Assertive Communication: 20 Helpful Tips -

Home
>
Coaching
>
Assertive Communication: 20 Helpful Tips

Assertive Communication: 20 Helpful Tips

Most of us know that assertiveness will get you further in life than being passive or aggressive. But few of us were actually taught how to be assertive. Here are some helpful tips.

1. Choose the right time. Imagine you're dashing down the hall on your way to a meeting. Lisa passes by. You call out, "Can you have the Microsoft project out by Tuesday?" Because you haven't scheduled a special time to bring up the issue, Lisa has no reason to think your request deserves high priority.

2. Choose the right place. Discuss important issues in a private, neutral location.

3. Be direct. For example, "Lisa, I would like you to work overtime on the Microsoft project." Whether or not Lisa likes your request, she respects you for your directness.

4. Say "I," not "we." Instead of saying, "We need the project by Tuesday," say, "I would like you to finish the project by Tuesday."

5. Be specific. Instead of, "Put a rush on the Microsoft project," say, "I would like the Microsoft project finished and on Joe's desk by 9:00 Tuesday morning."

6. Use body language to emphasize your words. "Lisa, I need that report Tuesday morning," is an assertive statement. But if you mumble this statement while staring at the floor, you undermine your message.

7. Confirm your request. Ask your staff to take notes at meetings. At the end of each meeting, ask your group to repeat back the specifics that were agreed upon. This minimizes miscommunication.

8. Stand up for yourself. Don't allow others to take advantage of you; insist on being treated fairly. Here are a few examples: "I was here first," "I'd like more coffee, please," "Excuse me, but I have another appointment," "Please turn down the radio," or "This steak is well done, but I asked for medium rare."

9. Learn to be friendly with people you would like to know better. Do not avoid people because you don't know what to say. Smile at people. Convey that you are happy to see them.

10. Express your opinions honestly. When you disagree with someone, do not pretend to agree. When you are asked to do something unreasonable, ask for an explanation.

11. Share your experiences and opinions. When you have done something worthwhile, let others know about it.

12. Learn to accept kind words. When someone compliments you, say, "Thank you."

13. Maintain eye contact when you are in a conversation.

14. Don't get personal. When expressing annoyance or criticism, comment on the person's behavior rather than attacking the person. For example: "Please don't talk to me that way," rather than, "What kind of jerk are you?"

15. Use "I" statements when commenting on another's behavior. For example: "When you cancel social arrangements at the last minute, it's extremely inconvenient and I feel really annoyed."

16. State what you want. If appropriate, ask for another behavior. ("I think we'd better sit down and try to figure out how we can make plans together and cut down on this kind of problem.")

17. Look for good examples. Pay attention to assertive people and model your behavior after theirs.

18. Start slowly. Express your assertiveness in low-anxiety situations at first; don't leap into a highly emotional situation until you have more confidence. Most people don't learn new skills overnight.

19. Reward yourself each time you push yourself to formulate an assertive response. Do this regardless of the response from the other person.

20. Don't put yourself down when you behave passively or aggressively. Instead, identify where you went off course and learn how to improve.

Garrett Coan is a professional therapist, coach, and pscyhotherapist. His two New Jersey office locations are accessible to individuals who reside in Bergen County, Rockland County, Essex County, Passaic County and Manhattan. He also offers online and telephone counseling services. He can be accessed through http://www.creativecounselors.com or at 201-303-4303.

In The News:

table border=0 width= valign=top cellpadding=2 cellspacing=7trtd width=80 align=center valign=topfont style=font-size:85%;font-family:arial,sans-serifa href=http://www.citywebshopper.net/articles/includes/redirect.php?url=http://nor.scout.com/2/799419.htmlcid=1255749878ei=JB7ySNXWH6jk6gOnrri6AQusg=AFQjCNHy87f9rPjQWO_XrVI0BJKoFbeU0gimg src=http://news.google.com/news?imgefp=e1FPKNTT08kJimgurl=media.scout.com/Media/Image/60/600078.jpg width=60 height=80 alt= border=1brfont size=-2Saints Insider/font/a/font/tdtd valign=top class=jfont style=font-size:85%;font-family:arial,sans-serifbrdiv style=padding-top:0.8em;img alt= height=1 width=1/divdiv class=lha href=http://www.citywebshopper.net/articles/includes/redirect.php?url=http://www.sacbee.com/749/story/1307768.htmlcid=1255749878ei=JB7ySNXWH6jk6gOnrri6AQusg=AFQjCNEPd1WalHcegUO8iYtOQt37Ysu1ggNFL Audible: bCoaching/b change during season typically results in b.../b/abrfont size=-1font color=#6f6f6fSacramento Bee,nbsp; USAnbsp;-/font nobr8 hours ago/nobr/fontbrfont size=-1Shanahan said Kiffin had 34 more days of work as Raiders bcoach/b despite winning three fewer games than Shanahan. quot;I really,quot; said a stone-faced Shanahan, b.../b/fontbrfont size=-1a href=http://www.citywebshopper.net/articles/includes/redirect.php?url=http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi%3Ff%3D/c/a/2008/10/11/SPP913EPBT.DTLcid=1255749878ei=JB7ySNXWH6jk6gOnrri6AQusg=AFQjCNE8mlSghva8vT_tKb9w00eyhnG13gRaiders at Saints (10 am, Ch. 5)/a font size=-1 color=#6f6f6fnobrSan Francisco Chronicle/nobr/font/fontbrfont size=-1a href=http://www.citywebshopper.net/articles/includes/redirect.php?url=http://www.thespread.com/ap-news-nfl-100/saints-look-to-right-ship-vs.-struggling-raiders.htmlcid=1255749878ei=JB7ySNXWH6jk6gOnrri6AQusg=AFQjCNFgntdoQkm2--InU_r4UhNCMAHiEASaints look to right ship vs. struggling Raiders/a font size=-1 color=#6f6f6fnobrThe Spread/nobr/font/fontbrfont size=-1a href=http://www.citywebshopper.net/articles/includes/redirect.php?url=http://www.boston.com/sports/football/articles/2008/10/12/the_silver_and_black_holecid=1255749878ei=JB7ySNXWH6jk6gOnrri6AQusg=AFQjCNE7LQQY3Eoh6ICEYnK09IPdwywdNQThe (silver and) black hole/a font size=-1 color=#6f6f6fnobrBoston Globe/nobr/font/fontbrfont size=-1 class=pa href=http://www.citywebshopper.net/articles/includes/redirect.php?url=http://www.canalstreetchronicles.com/2008/10/11/632091/raiders-saints-scouting-recid=1255749878ei=JB7ySNXWH6jk6gOnrri6AQusg=AFQjCNFB3-YVO49MyQuE9RuBawmOlfvQtQnobrCanal Street Chronicles/nobr/anbsp;- a href=http://www.citywebshopper.net/articles/includes/redirect.php?url=http://www.nytimes.com/2008/10/12/sports/football/12rhoden.html%3Fref%3Dfootballcid=1255749878ei=JB7ySNXWH6jk6gOnrri6AQusg=AFQjCNFzNG9FEDNZfEcuAK0bOGoAlbJqqQnobrNew York Times/nobr/a/fontbr/font class=p size=-1a class=p href=http://news.google.com/news?sourceid=navclientie=ISO-8859-1rls=GGLG,GGLG:2005-22,GGLG:enncl=1255749878hl=ennobrall 121 news articles/nobr/a/font/div/font/td/tr/table

table border=0 width= valign=top cellpadding=2 cellspacing=7trtd width=80 align=center valign=topfont style=font-size:85%;font-family:arial,sans-serifa href=http://www.citywebshopper.net/articles/includes/redirect.php?url=http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/cfootball/2061ap_fbc_t25_penn_st_wisconsin.htmlcid=1256037303ei=JB7ySNXWH6jk6gOnrri6AQusg=AFQjCNGNtdUnmcFIF8Y6kfIyD5MDv5iI4Aimg src=http://news.google.com/news?imgefp=N1W9hd7sXbcJimgurl=seattlepi.nwsource.com/dayart/aponline/72886.65Penn-St-Wisconsin-Football.sff.jpg width=80 height=72 alt= border=1brfont size=-2Seattle Post Intelligencer/font/a/font/tdtd valign=top class=jfont style=font-size:85%;font-family:arial,sans-serifbrdiv style=padding-top:0.8em;img alt= height=1 width=1/divdiv class=lha href=http://www.citywebshopper.net/articles/includes/redirect.php?url=http://ap.google.com/article/ALeqM5jYXIebyoA19Yakmu56TRGJvf_mvgD93OK5203cid=1256037303ei=JB7ySNXWH6jk6gOnrri6AQusg=AFQjCNG88oO3Fe7Gh_x3lI-ngoJuw_R0lwPaterno bcoaching/b from press box at Wisconsin/abrfont size=-1font color=#6f6f6fThe Associated Pressnbsp;-/font nobr15 hours ago/nobr/fontbrfont size=-1(AP) — A sore right leg will keep Penn State bcoach/b Joe Paterno in the press box for the No. 6 ranked Nittany Lions#39; game at Wisconsin on Saturday night. b.../b/fontbrfont size=-1a href=http://www.citywebshopper.net/articles/includes/redirect.php?url=http://www.pennlive.com/pennstatefootball/patriotnews/index.ssf%3F/base/sports/1223787303319630.xml%26coll%3D1cid=1256037303ei=JB7ySNXWH6jk6gOnrri6AQusg=AFQjCNFZ667ZOVIxLVhHMuvk0CVjadPERAPSU NOTEBOOK/a font size=-1 color=#6f6f6fnobrThe Patriot-News - PennLive.com/nobr/font/fontbrfont size=-1a href=http://www.citywebshopper.net/articles/includes/redirect.php?url=http://www.capecodonline.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article%3FAID%3D/20081010/SPORTS/81009022cid=1256037303ei=JB7ySNXWH6jk6gOnrri6AQusg=AFQjCNFpbx4PzhP4MypoC6_475lGFGjHzABingham: At 81, no quit in Paterno/a font size=-1 color=#6f6f6fnobrCape Cod Times/nobr/font/fontbrfont size=-1a href=http://www.citywebshopper.net/articles/includes/redirect.php?url=http://www.altoonamirror.com/page/content.detail/id/512037.htmlcid=1256037303ei=JB7ySNXWH6jk6gOnrri6AQusg=AFQjCNFYVbDaPIlhbBaQRGFU0R8QJw2-pgPSU vs. Wisconsin: Live from the press box/a font size=-1 color=#6f6f6fnobrAltoona Mirror/nobr/font/fontbrfont size=-1 class=pa href=http://www.citywebshopper.net/articles/includes/redirect.php?url=http://www.signonsandiego.com/sports/college_football/20081011-2138-fbc-t25-pennst-wisconsin.htmlcid=1256037303ei=JB7ySNXWH6jk6gOnrri6AQusg=AFQjCNHQ_Bk_Q-XWS0GesiBLBrGUTUl3awnobrSan Diego Union Tribune/nobr/anbsp;- a href=http://www.citywebshopper.net/articles/includes/redirect.php?url=http://myespn.go.com/blogs/bigten/0-2-368/Game-night-at-Camp-Randall-Stadium.htmlcid=1256037303ei=JB7ySNXWH6jk6gOnrri6AQusg=AFQjCNE4zskgIop0J_yOydqHTv6nwLAUxwnobrESPN/nobr/a/fontbr/font class=p size=-1a class=p href=http://news.google.com/news?sourceid=navclientie=ISO-8859-1rls=GGLG,GGLG:2005-22,GGLG:enncl=1256037303hl=ennobrall 514 news articles/nobr/a/font/div/font/td/tr/table

table border=0 width= valign=top cellpadding=2 cellspacing=7trtd valign=top class=jfont style=font-size:85%;font-family:arial,sans-serifbrdiv style=padding-top:0.8em;img alt= height=1 width=1/divdiv class=lha href=http://www.citywebshopper.net/articles/includes/redirect.php?url=http://www.contracostatimes.com/49ers/ci_10701573cid=1256476027ei=JB7ySNXWH6jk6gOnrri6AQusg=AFQjCNEWRzj8FqE8cyk8VydcUqsQYPotJwO#39;Dowd gives Perenon his 200th bcoaching/b win/abrfont size=-1font color=#6f6f6fContra Costa Times,nbsp;CAnbsp;-/font nobr9 hours ago/nobr/fontbrfont size=-1The win puts Perenon in a select class of Bay Area high school football coaches, joining only Bob Ladouceur of De La Salle and Dan Shaughnessy, former bcoach/b b.../b/fontbrfont size=-1a href=http://www.citywebshopper.net/articles/includes/redirect.php?url=http://www.insidebayarea.com/high-school-sports/ci_10693716cid=1256476027ei=JB7ySNXWH6jk6gOnrri6AQusg=AFQjCNF7kHdu8cpzN0b_3gfISD9UfnYcpgO#39;Dowd football bcoach/b Paul Perenon approaches career win No. 200/a font size=-1 color=#6f6f6fnobrInside Bay Area/nobr/font/fontbrfont class=p size=-1a class=p href=http://news.google.com/news?sourceid=navclientie=ISO-8859-1rls=GGLG,GGLG:2005-22,GGLG:enncl=1256476027hl=ennobrall 4 news articles/nobr/a/font/div/font/td/tr/table

table border=0 width= valign=top cellpadding=2 cellspacing=7trtd valign=top class=jfont style=font-size:85%;font-family:arial,sans-serifbrdiv style=padding-top:0.8em;img alt= height=1 width=1/divdiv class=lha href=http://www.citywebshopper.net/articles/includes/redirect.php?url=http://www.stuff.co.nz/stuff/4724564a10295.htmlcid=1256523485ei=JB7ySNXWH6jk6gOnrri6AQusg=AFQjCNEN7qtb2BtfLvlUYg3pfzSA_14qnABuck Shelford on Harbour bcoaching/b short list/abrfont size=-1font color=#6f6f6fStuff.co.nz,nbsp;New Zealandnbsp;-/font nobr21 hours ago/nobr/fontbrfont size=-1Wayne quot;Buckquot; Shelford has made it on to the short list of candidates wanting to bcoach/b North Harbour next year. But the All Blacks great and cancer survivor b.../b/fontbrfont size=-1a href=http://www.citywebshopper.net/articles/includes/redirect.php?url=http://www.voxy.co.nz/sport/shelford-shortlist-vacant-harbour-job/5/3846cid=1256523485ei=JB7ySNXWH6jk6gOnrri6AQusg=AFQjCNEkG7qMp9zmZFJkdPQWtLWOcE06vgShelford On Shortlist For Vacant Harbour Job/a font size=-1 color=#6f6f6fnobrVoxy/nobr/font/fontbrfont class=p size=-1a class=p href=http://news.google.com/news?sourceid=navclientie=ISO-8859-1rls=GGLG,GGLG:2005-22,GGLG:enncl=1256523485hl=ennobrall 11 news articles/nobr/a/font/div/font/td/tr/table

table border=0 width= valign=top cellpadding=2 cellspacing=7trtd width=80 align=center valign=topfont style=font-size:85%;font-family:arial,sans-serifa href=http://www.citywebshopper.net/articles/includes/redirect.php?url=http://slam.canoe.ca/Slam/Hockey/NHL/Games/2008/10/10/7049081-ap.htmlcid=1256315662ei=JB7ySNXWH6jk6gOnrri6AQusg=AFQjCNFm2xJkfgKI9zU7Ood0z1BPQY9MkQimg src=http://news.google.com/news?imgefp=qV-ckqjSrAMJimgurl=slam.canoe.ca/Slam/Hockey/NHL/Games/2008/10/10/h101058A.jpg width=80 height=55 alt= border=1brfont size=-2SLAM! Sports/font/a/font/tdtd valign=top class=jfont style=font-size:85%;font-family:arial,sans-serifbrdiv style=padding-top:0.8em;img alt= height=1 width=1/divdiv class=lha href=http://www.citywebshopper.net/articles/includes/redirect.php?url=http://sports.espn.go.com/nhl/preview2008/columns/story%3Fcolumnist%3Dburnside_scott%26id%3D3637706cid=1256315662ei=JB7ySNXWH6jk6gOnrri6AQusg=AFQjCNE13yyoqoaou53Twpq4QS7RKBFYSQOld friends finally get chance to face off together in the bigs/abrfont size=-1font color=#6f6f6fESPNnbsp;-/font nobrOct 11, 2008/nobr/fontbrfont size=-1Last season, Bruce Boudreau led the Capitals to the playoffs in his first NHL bcoaching/b campaign. Anderson nearly walked into the visitors#39; dressing room b.../b/fontbrfont size=-1a href=http://www.citywebshopper.net/articles/includes/redirect.php?url=http://www.gwinnettdailypost.com/main.asp%3FSectionID%3D7%26SubSectionID%3D7%26ArticleID%3D51360cid=1256315662ei=JB7ySNXWH6jk6gOnrri6AQusg=AFQjCNFcb2SBldtADQ3J5rLahRSOMFlMdgThrashers install system aimed at increasing their offensive b.../b/a font size=-1 color=#6f6f6fnobrGwinnett Daily Post/nobr/font/fontbrfont size=-1a href=http://www.citywebshopper.net/articles/includes/redirect.php?url=http://www.ajc.com/blogs/content/shared-blogs/ajc/thrashersfans/entries/2008/10/11/winning_a_game.htmlcid=1256315662ei=JB7ySNXWH6jk6gOnrri6AQusg=AFQjCNFArPFbDzzwdIftg50PY4gFipeKpQWinning A Game That Last Year They Wouldn#39;t Have/a font size=-1 color=#6f6f6fnobrAtlanta Journal Constitution/nobr/font/fontbrfont size=-1a href=http://www.citywebshopper.net/articles/includes/redirect.php?url=http://www.theglobeandmail.com/servlet/story/LAC.20081008.QUESTIONS08/TPStory/Sportscid=1256315662ei=JB7ySNXWH6jk6gOnrri6AQusg=AFQjCNGckmBuxan0f7nE-ZqxA03RV8OgAQEric Duhatschek ponders some interesting issues before the b.../b/a font size=-1 color=#6f6f6fnobrGlobe and Mail/nobr/font/fontbrfont size=-1 class=pa href=http://www.citywebshopper.net/articles/includes/redirect.php?url=http://www.ajc.com/thrashers/content/sports/thrashers/stories/2008/10/10/thrashers_coach_debut.htmlcid=1256315662ei=JB7ySNXWH6jk6gOnrri6AQusg=AFQjCNFOQC1DyhCS_nKVz--q6wKrl1joJwnobrAtlanta Journal Constitution/nobr/a/fontbr/font class=p size=-1a class=p href=http://news.google.com/news?sourceid=navclientie=ISO-8859-1rls=GGLG,GGLG:2005-22,GGLG:enncl=1256315662hl=ennobrall 223 news articles/nobr/a/font/div/font/td/tr/table

table border=0 width= valign=top cellpadding=2 cellspacing=7trtd valign=top class=jfont style=font-size:85%;font-family:arial,sans-serifbrdiv style=padding-top:0.8em;img alt= height=1 width=1/divdiv class=lha href=http://www.citywebshopper.net/articles/includes/redirect.php?url=http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/thedailymirror/2008/10/october-11-1958.htmlcid=1256790818ei=JB7ySNXWH6jk6gOnrri6AQusg=AFQjCNFPXSPvuvZkl5NVsk5DugiCMvp-wwFootball bcoach/b Sid Gillman/abrfont size=-1font color=#6f6f6fLos Angeles Times,nbsp;CAnbsp;-/font nobr22 hours ago/nobr/fontbrfont size=-1By Keith Thursby His team on the way to face the defending NFL champion Detroit Lions, Sid Gillman was rewarded with a new contract to continue bcoaching/b the b.../b/fontbrfont size=-1a href=http://www.citywebshopper.net/articles/includes/redirect.php?url=http://www.mydesert.com/article/20081012/SPORTS04/810120316/-1/newsfrontcid=1256790818ei=JB7ySNXWH6jk6gOnrri6AQusg=AFQjCNFL67-K3o1vX1H-vG-8ai1Q9eaEbQFootball loses great man in Faulkner/a font size=-1 color=#6f6f6fnobrThe Desert Sun/nobr/font/fontbrfont class=p size=-1a class=p href=http://news.google.com/news?sourceid=navclientie=ISO-8859-1rls=GGLG,GGLG:2005-22,GGLG:enncl=1256790818hl=ennobrall 2 news articles/nobr/a/font/div/font/td/tr/table

table border=0 width= valign=top cellpadding=2 cellspacing=7trtd valign=top class=jfont style=font-size:85%;font-family:arial,sans-serifbrdiv style=padding-top:0.8em;img alt= height=1 width=1/divdiv class=lha href=http://www.citywebshopper.net/articles/includes/redirect.php?url=http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/08284/918908-63.stmcid=1255876563ei=JB7ySNXWH6jk6gOnrri6AQusg=AFQjCNGUZaUunXv5n0MbRzKZwRX-Ae8KPAMLB Notebook: Reds#39; Baker takes #39;dream#39; bcoaching/b job/abrfont size=-1font color=#6f6f6fPittsburgh Post Gazette,nbsp;PAnbsp;-/font nobrOct 9, 2008/nobr/fontbrfont size=-1AP This weekend, Baker will be the fill-in bcoach/b for 9-year-old son Darren#39;s 10-and-under traveling tournament team. Baker, 59, spent his first season as b.../b/fontbrfont size=-1a href=http://www.citywebshopper.net/articles/includes/redirect.php?url=http://www.mercurynews.com/valley/ci_10701033cid=1255876563ei=JB7ySNXWH6jk6gOnrri6AQusg=AFQjCNEfyTdFjf_Kgo6qxTVusxgrXvbV8gFormer Giants manager serves as bcoach/b of son#39;s team/a font size=-1 color=#6f6f6fnobrSan Jose Mercury News/nobr/font/fontbrfont size=-1a href=http://www.citywebshopper.net/articles/includes/redirect.php?url=http://www.sacbee.com/100/story/1301307.htmlcid=1255876563ei=JB7ySNXWH6jk6gOnrri6AQusg=AFQjCNEscFkxk7M0MpqBI2CdcRwykRDGvwDusty Baker gets fall bcoaching/b gig - his son#39;s team/a font size=-1 color=#6f6f6fnobrSacramento Bee/nobr/font/fontbrfont class=p size=-1a class=p href=http://news.google.com/news?sourceid=navclientie=ISO-8859-1rls=GGLG,GGLG:2005-22,GGLG:enncl=1255876563hl=ennobrall 120 news articles/nobr/a/font/div/font/td/tr/table

coaching - Google News