|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Having worked with individuals, couples, families and business partners for 35 years, helping them learn to resolve conflict, I have often been faced with the difficulties that occur when people are confused about the difference between approval with appreciation. Have you ever wondered about the difference between approval and appreciation? Most of us have never actually thought about it, yet if we do think about it, we realize that we feel very differently when we receive approval as opposed to receiving appreciation. There are good reasons for this.
Approval is something we give from a wounded, controlling part of us. Approval is conditional upon the other person performing in the way we want or expect. Approval is manipulative - that is, we give it with an outcome in mind. We hope that the other person will continue to do what we want as a result of the approval.
Appreciation, on the other hand, is something we offer from a whole loving place within - what I call the loving Adult. It comes from the heart and is offered spontaneously as the heart wells up with feelings of delight, awe, joy, or love regarding another's way of being. Appreciation has much more to do with the essence of a person rather than with performance. We are appreciating a person's core Self, who they really are and the results of who they are, rather than what they do and their performance. With appreciation, there is no attachment to the outcome, no expectation that the other should or will continue to perform. Appreciation is a true gift.
Often, when someone says they want appreciation or do not feel appreciated, what they are really seeking is approval. It is the wounded part of them who is not feeling seen and appreciated within - they are not seeing and appreciating themselves so they need it from others to feel worthy. The wounded self of the individual projects outward the inner need to be seen, understood and appreciated and pulls from others to get this need met. Whenever I hear someone say that they do not feel appreciated, I know that their essence - their Inner Child - is not being seen and loved by their own inner adult.
When we are giving ourselves the attention and appreciation that we need and we then receive appreciation from others, it feels wonderful but it is the icing on the cake, not the cake itself. When it becomes the cake itself, then we need to look within and recognize that we have handed over to others the job of defining and validating our own worth and lovability.
When you share something about yourself with the intent of getting approval, attention or appreciation, it doesn't feel like sharing to other people. Instead they feel pulled at to validate you. When you share something about yourself with the intent of offering something to others, it feels like a gift. This is clearly illustrated in the wonderful movie, Good Will Hunting. In this movie the therapist, played by Robin Williams, shares much personal information about himself with his client Will, an angry and resistant young man. He shared it, not because he wanted or needed anything back, but purely to help Will feel safe in opening to his own pain.
We can all challenge ourselves to be aware of our intent when we offer positive feedback to others - is it a true gift or does it have strings attached? And we can challenge ourselves to be aware of our intent when we share things about ourselves - are we giving or trying to get? Giving to get doesn't feel good to others who are at the other end of the pull, and getting what we want from others feels good only for the moment, but is ultimately tiring for us. It is tiring to always be trying to get from others what we need to be giving to ourselves.
Giving appreciation and sharing ourselves from a loving heart, with no need to get anything back, will always feel wonderful and energizing to us and to others.
About The Author
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now!
Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.
The effective coaching of employees by their line managers is... Read More
Nobody will stop you in the hallway at work to... Read More
So you want to hire a coach but with so... Read More
Is it really possible to have loads of fun, and... Read More
When did you last do that? When did you last... Read More
IntroductionEvery one of us came to the planet to figure... Read More
Like so many in corporate America today, Susan needed more... Read More
Are you one of those folks that needs to figure-it-out... Read More
My name is Greg Ryan. For the last twenty years... Read More
Coaching is about being your best. It's about performance, about... Read More
Coaching is an effective process used to support individuals in... Read More
A journey by a web-footed gull through a sea of... Read More
Use all of your brain to be your most effective."Running... Read More
Feeling disappointed? It's time to float.The time-honored approach to disappointment... Read More
The fear of saying something silly and feeling embarrassed stops... Read More
When we are ill and don't know it, we are... Read More
Freedom for all species and people, and freedom of stress;... Read More
Would you agree that today most of us have the... Read More
I looked up the definition of "to dither" before writing... Read More
During a recent coaching session with Mark, I was briefly... Read More
Often while talking to people about my coaching practice I... Read More
Someone I know wants to move into another job in... Read More
How often have you heard yourself say, "I've got so... Read More
While working with a client several months ago, we went... Read More
Three steps to your Personal Transformation:Awareness and PerceptionLaw of Cause... Read More
As a Master Certified Relationship Coach, I work with singles... Read More
Professional athletes and other highly successful people use the power... Read More
Life is all about choices. And so is the way... Read More
Have you ever noticed that so many of us who... Read More
As the title states, "Become an Information Filter and a... Read More
I think that we're all probably familiar with the fairground... Read More
Although many of us use self-help tools like affirmations, visualizations,... Read More
Remember that Coke contest from the 80s? If you collected... Read More
What are you thinking - right now? 'I'm reading your... Read More
One of the biggest challenges to developing superior communication skills... Read More
Diets are always in style. Every time you turn around,... Read More
Use all of your brain to be your most effective."Running... Read More
Just before the storms hit last winter, my father-in-law and... Read More
The name of the game is CHANGE -- that's true... Read More
The fall harvest comes upon us once a year. The... Read More
Most of us find coaching employees to be an effective,... Read More
"Happiness is not a matter of good fortune or worldly... Read More
"Aim for your star, no matter how far, you must... Read More
Every relationship has conflicts. In some relationships, conflict is a... Read More
With the growing number of expert business people, consultants and... Read More
It's four weeks away and you don't have any plans.... Read More
During my 35 years of counseling individuals, couples, families and... Read More
A large percentage of business are stuck, tied to narrow... Read More
Being a lifelong student, I am regularly attending seminars etc.... Read More
I don't know many people who would admit to wanting... Read More
Coaching |