How to Cope with Anticipatory Grief

Anticipatory grief is the name given to the mix of emotions experienced when we are living in expectation of loss and grieving because of it. Anticipatory Grief is particularly relevant to those who have received a terminal diagnosis and for those who love and care for them.

Terminal diagnosis changes the very structure of our existence, takes away our control and our ability to hope and plan for the future. When someone we love is given a terminal illness, we become painfully aware of the fragility of life and may even fear for our own mortality.

Living in expectation of death, causes us to experience many of the symptoms and emotions of the grief suffered when a loved one has actually died, including; shock, anger, denial, physical and emotional pain, helplessness and sorrow. Depression is common and changes in eating, sleeping and bowel habits may also occur.

Prognosis increases our turmoil; it is inevitable that we begin counting down the days to the estimated time of demise and see the dawn of each day as bringing us closer to it. Some may feel a sense of surrealness and an inability to fit back into the pattern of life prior to diagnosis, this often intensified by the reaction of friends and acquaintances, who may be dealing with their own shock and dismay at the news and not knowing what to do or say, avoid us.

It may be some time before we can truly accept that our loved one is dying and during this time we may experience alternate periods of acceptance and denial. Often, necessity brings about acceptance for the Carer as they need to make decisions regarding the best options available for the care of their loved ones. The patient however, may choose not to accept the prognosis and it is important for the carer to recognise and support their need to live in hope of a cure. Hope, is paramount to quality of life for their loved one and may even contribute to their longer survival.

Whether our grief is anticipatory or grief due to the death of a loved one, there is a very real need to talk to someone about the roller coaster of emotions we are experiencing. This however is not always easy to do, due to a number of reasons which may include; trying to remain strong for the patient, trying to remain strong for the children, trying to put on a brave face for other family members and friends.

Counseling, though readily available, is resisted by many, who believe that no one could possibly understand what they are feeling, nor do anything about the outcome.

Speaking from my own experience of anticipatory grief due my husband's terminal illness, I initially had these feelings and it was with some trepidation that I went to my first counselling session. Upon hearing my story, the counsellor cried, further strengthening my opinion that she could not possibly help me. I was mistaken; after a few visits I began to see the benefit of these sessions and looked forward to seeing her each week. Here, for a short time at least, I could stop acting as if everything was okay ? when nothing was okay, here I could take off my brave face and let my defenses down.

The only trouble with counseling is that it may not always be available when you need it. I highly recommend keeping a personal diary for these occasions. During the two years of my husbands terminal illness, my diary was without a doubt, my strongest coping tool, I wrote in it daily, often in the form of poetry, pouring my anger, my fear and my heartache on to the pages. Periodically, I would read back through it and through this I came to know myself very well - later I could see my strength coming through.

Excerpts and poems from my diary now form a major part of my book "Lean on Me" Cancer through a Carer's Eyes.

Article written by: Lorraine Kember ? Author of "Lean on Me" Cancer through a Carer's Eyes. Lorraine's book is written from her experience of caring for her dying husband in the hope of helping others. It includes insight and discussion on: Anticipatory Grief, Understanding and identifying pain, Pain Management and Symptom Control, Chemotherapy, Palliative Care, Quality of Life and Dying at home. It also features excerpts and poems from her personal diary. Highly recommended by the Cancer Council. "Lean on Me" is not available in bookstores - For detailed information, Doctor's recommendations, Reviews, Book Excerpts and Ordering Facility - visit her website http://www.cancerthroughacarerseyes.jkwh.com

Psychologically Speaking: Adult sibling loss
Jerusalem Post, Israel - 12 hours ago
... and leaves his aging parents behind, a sibling is often left to discover that in his own grief he is also expected to help his parents in their loss. ...

Time to rethink roadside shrines
guardian.co.uk, UK - 16 hours ago
Many thousands of bereaved people out there are desperately looking for a way to demonstrate their feelings of grief, loss and anger. ...

How post-natal depression led to a mother's lonely death
Scotsman, United Kingdom - 2 hours ago
At the moment we are dealing with the shock of the loss of Kate's life. We are trying to support her family and dealing with the process of grieving. ...

Son struggling after losing best friend
GazetteLive, UK - 14 hours ago
Just like adults, young people and children will go through various different stages associated with their grief, and it is important that parents are aware ...

Researchers: Brain Can Be Addicted To Grief
NBC 10.com, PA - 3 hours ago
A new study sheds light on how people grieve and why some become almost "addicted to grief," feeling the misery of loss much longer than others. ...

Camp for grieving kids is bigger than ever
Swampscott Reporter, MA - 4 hours ago
Offered by the Center for Grief & Healing, a program of Hospice of the North Shore, the camp provides a special opportunity for children and their families ...

Rural Kasson center supports grieving kids
Post-Bulletin, MN - Jul 17, 2008
With the help of several volunteers, that dream was realized a year and a half ago, when she helped start Whispering Willow Center for Grief and Loss. ...

North Shore support groups
The Salem News, MA - 15 hours ago
LOSS SUPPORT: The Center for Grief and Healing at 78 Liberty St. in Danvers offers the following free winter/spring support groups for those grieving a ...

Pushing through pain and loss
Big Bear Grizzly,  USA - Jul 16, 2008
By BRIAN CHARLES Recent tragedies in Big Bear Valley have left many grieving the loss of loved ones. The process is different for everyone, but grieving is ...

Scientific American
Addicted to Grief?
Scientific American - Jul 17, 2008
For about 10 to 20 percent of the bereaved, however, accepting and getting over a loss remains extremely difficult, even years later. ...

Wind Chimes and more...

Windchimes for great gifts!

Adapting to the Loss of a Loved One: Three Tips on how to Cope