Who has the Worst Pain

During the 28 years I have been interacting with bereaved people, one of the most frequent questions I have been asked is, "Who has the worst pain?" Do bereaved parents suffer more than widows and widowers? Do children whose parents die feel more agony than children who lose a sibling? Is it harder to watch a loved one suffer for a long time before death releases the victim than it is to answer the doorbell or the phone at midnight and suddenly hear the news of tragedy? Is suicide worse than homicide? Is the death of an "older" child more difficult to grieve than the death of a newborn or infant?

If there were one, clear and definitive answer to those questions, grieving could be neatly catalogued and mourners could be organized into convenient categories. Our comforters and caregivers would then be able to select from a predictable menu of helps, and everyone could get "healed" more quickly and efficiently. If only....

But the truth is it makes little difference how our loved ones died, at what ages, or what our relationships were named. The pain of grief is agony no matter how or when it happens.

Long-term dying is not better or worse than sudden death-it is different.

Mourning the death of an infant is not better or worse than mourning the death of a teenager-it is different.

The grief of the widowed is not better or worse than the grief of bereaved parents-it is different.

Death by homicide is not easier or harder than death by suicide-it is different. And the list goes on and on?

There is no adequate preparation for the loneliness and emptiness that must be squarely faced when we finally come to the realization that we will never again in this life see that one who is so precious to us. In every case the mourning period can be just as painful and difficult for one as it is for another, but the grief needs of the bereaved can be very different.

When the relationship to a loved one was cemented with the permanent "super glue" of devotion and commitment, death causes a ripping apart that leaves the survivor with a devastating and gaping wound, regardless of how the death occurred or what the relationship was named.

However, if the adhesive that formed the relationship bond was simply "pressure sensitive," the separation may involve no more than the sting of tape being quickly pulled off skin. The pain may be sharp but short-lived, regardless of the type of death or the kind of connection. It all depends on how bonded the survivor was to the deceased.

In our society, a "friendship" may not be taken as seriously as a blood relationship; an engagement may not be perceived as importantly as a marriage; the death of a parent may be assumed to be a more deeply felt loss than it truly was to the surviving child or children. And we must never assume that a long-term dying process has fulfilled the "grief quota" of the survivors who loved and lost!

It's not fair to assume that if mourners have some advance warning that the death is coming, their grieving time is shorter or less intense. We must be careful not to confuse the natural relief that the deceased is finally beyond the reach of suffering with the assumption that the grief of missing them will be abated.

By inadvertently giving our society the message that certain kinds of relationships or certain kinds of experiences are "worse" or "better" than others, the grief support for some survivors may be in danger of being prematurely aborted or even ignored entirely.

Grief is an individual experience and comforters and caregivers must be careful to support the bereaved on a very personal, each-case basis. Mourners feel the pain of grief in direct proportion to their perception of how important the loved one was in their lives, and that value is entirely subjective.

There is really only one criteria that establishes the quality and quantity of mourning: The intensity of grieving is directly related to the intensity of bonding.

Good Grief Resources (http://www.goodgriefresources.com) was conceived and founded by Andrea Gambill whose 17-year-old daughter died in 1976. In 1977, she founded one of the earliest chapters of The Compassionate Friends, an international bereaved-parent support group. In 1987, she founded and edited Bereavement magazine, and in 2000, she joined Centering Corporation as Editor of their new magazine, Grief Digest. Twenty eight years of experience in grief support has provided valuable insights into the unique needs of the bereaved and their caregivers and wide access to many excellent resources.

JANE GLENN HAAS: Site offers tips on dealing with grief, loss
Centre Daily Times, PA - Sep 2, 2008
... offers visitors an opportunity to counsel with leading educators, authors, grief counselors and psychologists on topics related to grief and loss. ...

Ninemsn
Foster's Mother Tells Of Grief
Sky News, UK - 4 hours ago
The grief-stricken mother of millionaire businessman Christopher Foster has spoken of her shock at the loss of her son, daughter-in-law and granddaughter. ...
Foster family in shock over mansion fire Times Online
Family pay tribute to Shropshire house fire victims InTheNews.co.uk
all 823 news articles

Heartland Hospice Grief-Loss-Recovery Seminar
KXMA, ND - Aug 31, 2008
Heartland Hospice of St. Joseph’s Hospital and Health Center will hold a five-week Grief-Loss-Recovery Seminar and Support Group starting Sept. 1. ...

Grieving can be lonely task
Knoxville News Sentinel, TN - 17 hours ago
... life together and become widowed; and elderly individuals who experience a loss and have no nearby support system - all experience grief in a vacuum. ...

Boston Herald
Friends, family shocked by death of Holliston athlete
Boston Globe, United States - 1 hour ago
Grief counselors met with students and the football team. Cars lined the street where Larracey lived, and people hugged in his parents' driveway, ...
Holliston football player dies Boston Herald
Vigil planned for Holliston football player Larracey tonight NECN
Mass. school football player dies after injury Boston Globe
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Losses of many kinds cause grief
Media Newswire (press release), NY - Sep 5, 2008
“Understanding loss and our response to it, grief and mourning, may lessen its effect on our lives,” Crocker said. After a loss occurs, a person must ...

Support Groups
Aurora Beacon News, IL - 13 hours ago
MALES: Fox Valley Volunteer Hospice offers a support group for grieving men -- MALES, Men After a Loss Expressing themselves Safely. ...

Grief-stricken boy works through mom’s death in ‘Trees’
Waterloo Cedar Falls Courier, IA - Sep 5, 2008
It’sa tale of loss and recovery, and when told through the eyes of detail-oriented Sebby, the story’s impact gains immediate purchase in readers’ hearts and ...

Religion Calendar: 09/06/2008
Traverse City Record Eagle, MI - 8 hours ago
... TC; video series discuss grief process; personal stories from others who are grieving a loss, material features nondenominational Biblical teaching on ...

Hundreds mourn loss of Harris
Lexington Dispatch, NC - 1 hour ago
“This is a loss for us, too.” After the memorial service, many said the outpouring of grief was matched only by love. Thomas Harris, Josh’s uncle, ...

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