A Lawyers Favorite Lawyer Jokes

Lawyer Jokes

Q: How does a pregnant woman know she is carrying a future lawyer?

A: She has an extreme craving for baloney.

Q: What is the legal definition of "Appeal"?

A: Something a person slips on in a grocery store.

Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?

A: To practice.

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 12?

A: Your Honor.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?

A: The lawyer charges more.

Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?

A: The caterer.

Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one.

Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?

A: An offer you can't understand.

Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?

A: Senator

Q: Did you hear they just released a new Barbie doll called "Divorced Barbie"?

A: It comes with half of Ken's things and alimony.

Q: What's the difference between an attorney and a pit bull?

A: Jewelry.

Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions?

A: Watching your attorney drive over a cliff in your new Ferrari.

Q: What's the difference between lawyers and accountants?

A: At least accountants know they're boring.

Stories:

1. A man who had been caught embezzling millions went to a lawyer. His lawyer told him, "Don't worry. You'll never go to jail with all that money? In fact, when the man was sent to prison, he didn't have a dime.

2. As the lawyer awoke from surgery, he asked, "Why are all the blinds drawn?" The nurse answered, "There's a fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think you had died."

3. God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. Satan heard this, laughed and said, "And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"

4. A lawyer is sitting at the desk in his new office. He hears someone coming to the door. To impress his first potential client, he picks up the phone as the door opens and says, "I demand one million and not a penny less." As he hangs up, the man now standing in his office says, "I'm here to hook up your phone."

And finally:

You Might Be A Lawyer If.... You are charging someone to read these jokes.

Richard Chapo is a San Diego business lawyer with http://www.sandiegobusinesslawfirm.com and is rumored to have a sense of humor. Then again, you never know with rumors.

In The News:
table border=0 width= valign=top cellpadding=2 cellspacing=7trtd width=80 align=center valign=topfont style=font-size:85%;font-family:arial,sans-serifa href=http://www.citywebshopper.net/articles/includes/redirect.php?url=http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/movies/390177_foundfootage02.htmlcid=0ei=K5U0Sc_8II2A7QPqrpiGDQusg=AFQjCNGzy4FEAX7NmzSN2D4VYTvbDzPtLAimg src=http://news.google.com/news?imgefp=xustOAjESLUJimgurl=seattlepi.nwsource.com/dayart/20081202/450foundfootage02.jpg width=80 height=43 alt= border=1brfont size=-2Seattle Post Intelligencer/font/a/font/tdtd valign=top class=jfont style=font-size:85%;font-family:arial,sans-serifbrdiv style=padding-top:0.8em;img alt= height=1 width=1/divdiv class=lha href=http://www.citywebshopper.net/articles/includes/redirect.php?url=http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/movies/390177_foundfootage02.htmlcid=0ei=K5U0Sc_8II2A7QPqrpiGDQusg=AFQjCNGzy4FEAX7NmzSN2D4VYTvbDzPtLAFound Footage Festival finds bhumor/b in old videos/abrfont size=-1font color=#6f6f6fSeattle Post Intelligencernbsp;-/font nobr2 hours ago/nobr/fontbrfont size=-1By ATHIMA CHANSANCHAI Before YouTube, there was VHS, and anyone with a camcorder could make anything as odd or stupid as you#39;d see online today: b.../b/font/div/font/td/tr/table
table border=0 width= valign=top cellpadding=2 cellspacing=7trtd valign=top class=jfont style=font-size:85%;font-family:arial,sans-serifbrdiv style=padding-top:0.8em;img alt= height=1 width=1/divdiv class=lha href=http://www.citywebshopper.net/articles/includes/redirect.php?url=http://blogs.computerworld.com/swainson_mulcahycid=1276376056ei=K5U0Sc_8II2A7QPqrpiGDQusg=AFQjCNFlrhHJ3lyc0tMqo-VrgItDalKkFQCEOs know that troubled times require a sense of bhumor/b/abrfont size=-1font color=#6f6f6fComputerworld,nbsp;MAnbsp;-/font nobr11 hours ago/nobr/fontbrfont size=-1Her company, too, has gone through some very tough times, and yet her good bhumor/b remains fully intact. Both Swainson and Mulcahy proved the point when they b.../b/fontbrfont size=-1a href=http://www.citywebshopper.net/articles/includes/redirect.php?url=http://www.computerworld.com/action/article.do%3Fcommand%3DviewArticleBasic%26taxonomyName%3D%26articleId%3D330551%26taxonomyId%3D%26intsrc%3Dkc_featcid=1276376056ei=K5U0Sc_8II2A7QPqrpiGDQusg=AFQjCNGQmEDXRr1Dr4-IQdEFg7cKbOfO3QSubscribe to our e-mail newsletters/a font size=-1 color=#6f6f6fnobrComputerworld/nobr/font/fontbrfont class=p size=-1a class=p href=http://news.google.com/news?sourceid=navclientie=ISO-8859-1rls=GGLG,GGLG:2005-22,GGLG:enncl=1276376056hl=ennobrall 3 news articles/nobr/a/font/div/font/td/tr/table
table border=0 width= valign=top cellpadding=2 cellspacing=7trtd valign=top class=jfont style=font-size:85%;font-family:arial,sans-serifbrdiv style=padding-top:0.8em;img alt= height=1 width=1/divdiv class=lha href=http://www.citywebshopper.net/articles/includes/redirect.php?url=http://www.variety.com/article/VR1117996628%3FcategoryId%3D15%26cs%3D1cid=0ei=K5U0Sc_8II2A7QPqrpiGDQusg=AFQjCNEam82SQEZt-HPAeODaKJ6dK0TkwgMTC rounds out season with #39;bHumor/b#39;/abrfont size=-1font color=#6f6f6fVariety,nbsp;CAnbsp;-/font nobr4 hours ago/nobr/fontbrfont size=-1By GORDON COX Manhattan Theater Club will round out its Off Broadway season with quot;bHumor/b Abuse,quot; a new play created by Lorenzo Pisoni and Erica Schmidt. b.../b/font/div/font/td/tr/table
table border=0 width= valign=top cellpadding=2 cellspacing=7trtd valign=top class=jfont style=font-size:85%;font-family:arial,sans-serifbrdiv style=padding-top:0.8em;img alt= height=1 width=1/divdiv class=lha href=http://www.citywebshopper.net/articles/includes/redirect.php?url=http://www.whittierdailynews.com/news/ci_11108940cid=1276374947ei=K5U0Sc_8II2A7QPqrpiGDQusg=AFQjCNHoCsfKGCpOXVRPcbI2n0We0zw2Vg`Bomb#39; drops bhumor/b in Whittier/abrfont size=-1font color=#6f6f6fWhittier Daily News,nbsp;CAnbsp;-/font nobr21 hours ago/nobr/fontbrfont size=-1bHumor/b comes naturally to Ortiz, one of six friends from Whittier High who make up the Atomic Bomb Comedy Group. quot;We#39;re drawing crowds of 70 plus, b.../b/font/div/font/td/tr/table
table border=0 width= valign=top cellpadding=2 cellspacing=7trtd width=80 align=center valign=topfont style=font-size:85%;font-family:arial,sans-serifa href=http://www.citywebshopper.net/articles/includes/redirect.php?url=http://broadwayworld.com/viewcolumn.cfm%3Fcolid%3D36833cid=1276256864ei=K5U0Sc_8II2A7QPqrpiGDQusg=AFQjCNEhnKsp8bWiHe8KVNpOPIWLuRv7EQimg src=http://news.google.com/news?imgefp=UG0mOdwMd98Jimgurl=images.broadwayworld.com/upload/36833/lorenzo.jpg width=54 height=80 alt= border=1brfont size=-2Broadway World/font/a/font/tdtd valign=top class=jfont style=font-size:85%;font-family:arial,sans-serifbrdiv style=padding-top:0.8em;img alt= height=1 width=1/divdiv class=lha href=http://www.citywebshopper.net/articles/includes/redirect.php?url=http://www.playbill.com/news/article/123798.htmlcid=1276256864ei=K5U0Sc_8II2A7QPqrpiGDQusg=AFQjCNEDjJEHqfQbSzQWe4B3HhATBIs15wMTC Adds bHumor/b Abuse to Season, Announces Casting for Ruined b.../b/abrfont size=-1font color=#6f6f6fPlaybill.com,nbsp;NYnbsp;-/font nobrNov 30, 2008/nobr/fontbrfont size=-1bHumor/b Abuse, beginning previews Feb. 19, 2009, and opening March 10, 2009, at MTC City Center Stage II, is a quot;new one-man-show created by performer Lorenzo b.../b/fontbrfont size=-1a href=http://www.citywebshopper.net/articles/includes/redirect.php?url=http://broadwayworld.com/viewcolumn.cfm%3Fcolid%3D36833cid=1276256864ei=K5U0Sc_8II2A7QPqrpiGDQusg=AFQjCNEhnKsp8bWiHe8KVNpOPIWLuRv7EQMTC To Present World Premiere of Pisoni#39;s bHUMOR/b ABUSE, Opens 3/10/a font size=-1 color=#6f6f6fnobrBroadway World/nobr/font/fontbrfont size=-1a href=http://www.citywebshopper.net/articles/includes/redirect.php?url=http://www.theatermania.com/content/news.cfm/story/16420cid=1276256864ei=K5U0Sc_8II2A7QPqrpiGDQusg=AFQjCNGI8MqbsAGxSHGojIET6OkOOZdwzwMTC Announces Additional Casting for Accent on Youth; World b.../b/a font size=-1 color=#6f6f6fnobrTheaterMania.com/nobr/font/fontbrfont size=-1a href=http://www.citywebshopper.net/articles/includes/redirect.php?url=http://www.broadway.com/MTC-to-Present-Lorenzo-Pisoni-s-Humor-Abuse-Casting-Added-for-Two-Shows/broadway_news/5016470cid=1276256864ei=K5U0Sc_8II2A7QPqrpiGDQusg=AFQjCNHKI6eX-Q6pMP2jqfIadGbj76jozwMTC to Present Lorenzo Pisoni#39;s bHumor/b Abuse; Casting Added for Two b.../b/a font size=-1 color=#6f6f6fnobrBroadway.com/nobr/font/fontbrfont class=p size=-1a class=p href=http://news.google.com/news?sourceid=navclientie=ISO-8859-1rls=GGLG,GGLG:2005-22,GGLG:enncl=1276256864hl=ennobrall 5 news articles/nobr/a/font/div/font/td/tr/table
table border=0 width= valign=top cellpadding=2 cellspacing=7trtd width=80 align=center valign=topfont style=font-size:85%;font-family:arial,sans-serifa href=http://www.citywebshopper.net/articles/includes/redirect.php?url=http://www.godanriver.com/gdr/entertainment/night_life/article/humor_scott_hollifield/7735/cid=0ei=K5U0Sc_8II2A7QPqrpiGDQusg=AFQjCNHG-_ha7ix0Lw8cjEu6s59FJ5Xs9Qimg src=http://news.google.com/news?imgefp=D3h2nd_2TQsJimgurl=media.godanriver.com/registerbee/img-story/images/uploads/hollifield.jpg width=61 height=80 alt= border=1brfont size=-2Madison Messenger/font/a/font/tdtd valign=top class=jfont style=font-size:85%;font-family:arial,sans-serifbrdiv style=padding-top:0.8em;img alt= height=1 width=1/divdiv class=lha href=http://www.citywebshopper.net/articles/includes/redirect.php?url=http://www.godanriver.com/gdr/entertainment/night_life/article/humor_scott_hollifield/7735/cid=0ei=K5U0Sc_8II2A7QPqrpiGDQusg=AFQjCNHG-_ha7ix0Lw8cjEu6s59FJ5Xs9QbHumor/b: Scott Hollifield/abrfont size=-1font color=#6f6f6fMadison Messenger,nbsp;VAnbsp;-/font nobr4 hours ago/nobr/fontbrfont size=-1It’s heartening to know during the holiday season, when I need to knock out a column as quickly as possible to spend at least a little time with my b.../b/font/div/font/td/tr/table
table border=0 width= valign=top cellpadding=2 cellspacing=7trtd width=80 align=center valign=topfont style=font-size:85%;font-family:arial,sans-serifa href=http://www.citywebshopper.net/articles/includes/redirect.php?url=http://bleacherreport.com/articles/87378-bob-stoops-fills-out-his-coaches-poll-ballot-humorcid=1276202963ei=K5U0Sc_8II2A7QPqrpiGDQusg=AFQjCNFU_mEKFcykXGgLms7LlroETAG6mQimg src=http://news.google.com/news?imgefp=8QqJpybyW6EJimgurl=bleacherreport.com/images_root/image_pictures/0134/0098/95208110853_ou_v_texas_a_m_feature.jpg width=80 height=54 alt= border=1brfont size=-2Bleacher Report/font/a/font/tdtd valign=top class=jfont style=font-size:85%;font-family:arial,sans-serifbrdiv style=padding-top:0.8em;img alt= height=1 width=1/divdiv class=lha href=http://www.citywebshopper.net/articles/includes/redirect.php?url=http://bleacherreport.com/articles/87378-bob-stoops-fills-out-his-coaches-poll-ballot-humorcid=1276202963ei=K5U0Sc_8II2A7QPqrpiGDQusg=AFQjCNFU_mEKFcykXGgLms7LlroETAG6mQBob Stoops Fills Out His Coaches#39; Poll Ballot (bHumor/b)/abrfont size=-1font color=#6f6f6fBleacher Report,nbsp;CAnbsp;-/font nobrNov 30, 2008/nobr/fontbrfont size=-1by Jonathan Lintner (Scribe) The Coaches Poll may have a different look to it this coming week, thanks to the efforts of Bob Stoops, head coach of the b.../b/font/div/font/td/tr/table
table border=0 width= valign=top cellpadding=2 cellspacing=7trtd valign=top class=jfont style=font-size:85%;font-family:arial,sans-serifbrdiv style=padding-top:0.8em;img alt= height=1 width=1/divdiv class=lha href=http://www.citywebshopper.net/articles/includes/redirect.php?url=http://www.tucsoncitizen.com/ss/columns/103947.phpcid=1276594154ei=K5U0Sc_8II2A7QPqrpiGDQusg=AFQjCNFI56_JL5cZbjW1oVyVrzYsW4BA0QbHumor/b by Argus Hamilton/abrfont size=-1font color=#6f6f6fTucson Citizen,nbsp;AZnbsp;-/font nobr18 hours ago/nobr/fontbrfont size=-1Citigroup said that despite its rescue by the federal government, it will keep its stadium naming rights deal with the New York Mets for the baseball team#39;s b.../b/font/div/font/td/tr/table
table border=0 width= valign=top cellpadding=2 cellspacing=7trtd width=80 align=center valign=topfont style=font-size:85%;font-family:arial,sans-serifa href=http://www.citywebshopper.net/articles/includes/redirect.php?url=http://www.thedailyaztec.com/features/1.1040620cid=0ei=K5U0Sc_8II2A7QPqrpiGDQusg=AFQjCNF_G4pD0Ke3bw4R5Mc-JclAM3ansgimg src=http://news.google.com/news?imgefp=qiuYz-CvQ6oJimgurl=www.thedailyaztec.com/polopoly_fs/1.1040621!image/1257775957.jpg_gen/derivatives/landscape_260/1257775957.jpg width=80 height=53 alt= border=1brfont size=-2Daily Aztec/font/a/font/tdtd valign=top class=jfont style=font-size:85%;font-family:arial,sans-serifbrdiv style=padding-top:0.8em;img alt= height=1 width=1/divdiv class=lha href=http://www.citywebshopper.net/articles/includes/redirect.php?url=http://www.thedailyaztec.com/features/1.1040620cid=0ei=K5U0Sc_8II2A7QPqrpiGDQusg=AFQjCNF_G4pD0Ke3bw4R5Mc-JclAM3ansgDATING bHUMOR/b: Don#39;t let no money mean mo#39; problems/abrfont size=-1font color=#6f6f6fDaily Aztec,nbsp;CAnbsp;-/font nobr8 hours ago/nobr/fontbrfont size=-1As the economy continues to hit new lows, romance is still in the air, meaning innovative dating ideas need to be thought of to battle empty wallets. b.../b/font/div/font/td/tr/table
table border=0 width= valign=top cellpadding=2 cellspacing=7trtd valign=top class=jfont style=font-size:85%;font-family:arial,sans-serifbrdiv style=padding-top:0.8em;img alt= height=1 width=1/divdiv class=lha href=http://www.citywebshopper.net/articles/includes/redirect.php?url=http://www.asuwebdevil.com/node/3227cid=0ei=K5U0Sc_8II2A7QPqrpiGDQusg=AFQjCNFaVAXm52ioWTyvAQ2EqNiFsq5NRQConsider this your bhumor/b intervention/abrfont size=-1font color=#6f6f6fASU Web Devil,nbsp;AZnbsp;-/font nobr20 hours ago/nobr/fontbrfont size=-1Everyone has their own sense of bhumor/b — mine is erring on the side of nerdy — but some people have an especially warped idea of funny. b.../b/font/div/font/td/tr/table
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