Humor Quotations - Top 35 Funny Quotations by Famous Comedians

  • "Education is worth a whole lot. Just think - with enough education and brains the average man would make a good lawyer - and so would the average lawyer."
    -- Grace Allen (Gracie)

  • "It's foolish to bet on a horse without talking to him first. I know it seems silly to ask a horse who's going to win a race - but it's no sillier than asking anyone else."
    -- Grace Allen (Gracie)

  • "Build a better mousetrap than your neighbour and Kraft Cheese will beat a path to your door."
    -- Grace Allen (Gracie)

  • "First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down."
    -- George Burns

  • "Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth."
    -- George Burns

  • "For forty years my act consisted of one joke. And then she died."
    -- George Burns

  • "Happiness is having a large, loving, caring close-knit family in another city."
    -- George Burns

  • "Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere."
    -- George Burns

  • "Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place."
    -- Johnny Carson

  • "Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president."
    -- Johnny Carson

  • "Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill."
    -- Johnny Carson

  • "I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food."
    -- Johnny Carson

  • "The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money."
    -- Johnny Carson

  • "Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry."
    Bill Cosby

  • ""Don't worry about senility," my grandfather used to say. "When it hits you, you won't know it.""
    Bill Cosby

  • "Fatherhood is telling your daughter that Michael Jackson loves all his fans, but has special feelings for the ones who eat broccoli."
    Bill Cosby

  • "Having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational act that two people in love can commit."
    Bill Cosby

  • "I wasn't always black... There was this freckle, and it got bigger and bigger."
    Bill Cosby

  • "Immortality is a long shot, I admit. But somebody has to be first."
    Bill Cosby

  • "I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."
    -- Rita Rudner

  • "I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose."
    -- Rita Rudner

  • "I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry."
    -- Rita Rudner

  • "I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them."
    -- Rita Rudner

  • "I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."
    -- Rita Rudner

  • "Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other.""
    -- Rita Rudner

  • "I always did well on the essay questions. Just put everything you know on there, maybe you'll hit it."
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

  • "No face, mouth open ... that is how the drug companies see the public."
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

  • "On the side of box of my superman costume it actually said - 'Do not attempt to fly!'"
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

  • "People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to."
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

  • "The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun."
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

  • "Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time."
    -- Steven Wright

  • "I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again."
    -- Steven Wright

  • "I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."
    -- Steven Wright

  • "If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?"
    -- Steven Wright

  • "Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, "Wish you were here.""
    -- Steven Wright

    Resource Box - Danielle Hollister (2005) is the Publisher of BellaOnline Quotations Zine
    - A free newsletter for quote lovers featuring more than 10,000 quotations in dozens of categories like - love, friendship, children, inspiration, success, wisdom, family, life, and many more; plus freebies and links to related resources. All new subscribers get one free ad. Read it - http://www.bellaonline.com/articles/art8364.asp

    In The News:
    table border=0 width= valign=top cellpadding=2 cellspacing=7trtd width=80 align=center valign=topfont style=font-size:85%;font-family:arial,sans-serifa href=http://www.citywebshopper.net/articles/includes/redirect.php?url=http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/10/14/AR2008101402917.htmlcid=1257927518ei=Nc32SOLiEqjk6gOJtsWRCQusg=AFQjCNECpYegtOGnjzmjkaJxM3O8JbScdgimg src=http://news.google.com/news?imgefp=3vzO_UYm5ScJimgurl=media3.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/photo/2008/10/14/PH2008101403078.jpg width=50 height=80 alt= border=1brfont size=-2Washington Post/font/a/font/tdtd valign=top class=jfont style=font-size:85%;font-family:arial,sans-serifbrdiv style=padding-top:0.8em;img alt= height=1 width=1/divdiv class=lha href=http://www.citywebshopper.net/articles/includes/redirect.php?url=http://www.reuters.com/article/televisionNews/idUSTRE49F0V820081016cid=1257927518ei=Nc32SOLiEqjk6gOJtsWRCQusg=AFQjCNHO262MGTyBH3FOS-1TDJhxFX1NiwGrier#39;s quot;Chocolatequot; rich with irreverent bhumor/b/abrfont size=-1font color=#6f6f6fReutersnbsp;-/font nobr1 hour ago/nobr/fontbrfont size=-1LOS ANGELES (Hollywood Reporter) - David Alan Grier#39;s new sketch-comedy magazine series, quot;Chocolate News,quot; is a spoof of more sociologically redeeming fare b.../b/fontbrfont size=-1a href=http://www.citywebshopper.net/articles/includes/redirect.php?url=http://www.salon.com/ent/tv/review/2008/10/15/chocolate_news/cid=1257927518ei=Nc32SOLiEqjk6gOJtsWRCQusg=AFQjCNEDZLnwnuVcf97AR77540naa0b3igSemisweet quot;Chocolate Newsquot;/a font size=-1 color=#6f6f6fnobrSalon/nobr/font/fontbrfont size=-1a href=http://www.citywebshopper.net/articles/includes/redirect.php?url=http://www.nytimes.com/2008/10/15/arts/television/15grie.htmlcid=1257927518ei=Nc32SOLiEqjk6gOJtsWRCQusg=AFQjCNGFFTRqTdlbIgkwk4xSV9vC3lqKHAAs Election Nears, a Black Voice Enters Comedy Fray/a font size=-1 color=#6f6f6fnobrNew York Times/nobr/font/fontbrfont size=-1a href=http://www.citywebshopper.net/articles/includes/redirect.php?url=http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/10/14/AR2008101402917.htmlcid=1257927518ei=Nc32SOLiEqjk6gOJtsWRCQusg=AFQjCNECpYegtOGnjzmjkaJxM3O8JbScdg#39;Chocolate News#39; Channels the Funny/a font size=-1 color=#6f6f6fnobrWashington Post/nobr/font/fontbrfont size=-1 class=pa href=http://www.citywebshopper.net/articles/includes/redirect.php?url=http://www.cinemablend.com/television/Chocolate-News-Not-Worth-The-Airtime-12815.htmlcid=1257927518ei=Nc32SOLiEqjk6gOJtsWRCQusg=AFQjCNGQVWWytsiFU7HeGVgerK-q6gXc8gnobrCinema Blend/nobr/anbsp;- a href=http://www.citywebshopper.net/articles/includes/redirect.php?url=http://www.mediabuyerplanner.com/2008/10/15/comedy-centrals-chocolate-news-parodies-the-afrocentric-perspective/cid=1257927518ei=Nc32SOLiEqjk6gOJtsWRCQusg=AFQjCNHMk5u2c6oRUDP-Ws5q2zGDeE9s6gnobrMedia Buyer Planner/nobr/a/fontbr/font class=p size=-1a class=p href=http://news.google.com/news?sourceid=navclientie=ISO-8859-1rls=GGLG,GGLG:2005-22,GGLG:enncl=1257927518hl=ennobrall 37 news articles/nobr/a/font/div/font/td/tr/table
    table border=0 width= valign=top cellpadding=2 cellspacing=7trtd valign=top class=jfont style=font-size:85%;font-family:arial,sans-serifbrdiv style=padding-top:0.8em;img alt= height=1 width=1/divdiv class=lha href=http://www.citywebshopper.net/articles/includes/redirect.php?url=http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/books/2008270965_zboo15childrenpoetlaureate.htmlcid=1258257373ei=Nc32SOLiEqjk6gOJtsWRCQusg=AFQjCNEerFUtng0WaRaXq1ACJc7FZS0lMwPoetry Foundation names children#39;s laureate, bhumor/b winner/abrfont size=-1font color=#6f6f6fSeattle Times,nbsp;United Statesnbsp;-/font nobr7 hours ago/nobr/fontbrfont size=-1b.../b the foundation presented Hoberman as its child laureate, and named Albert Goldbarth as winner of its Mark Twain Poetry Award for bhumor/b in verse. b.../b/font/div/font/td/tr/table
    table border=0 width= valign=top cellpadding=2 cellspacing=7trtd width=80 align=center valign=topfont style=font-size:85%;font-family:arial,sans-serifa href=http://www.citywebshopper.net/articles/includes/redirect.php?url=http://www.charlotteobserver.com/132/story/255510.htmlcid=1258259864ei=Nc32SOLiEqjk6gOJtsWRCQusg=AFQjCNHiICqh48GobYSI3rsjrHI33c-iaQimg src=http://news.google.com/news?imgefp=LXoIUzU409QJimgurl=media.charlotteobserver.com/smedia/2008/10/15/19/155MAD_MAGAZINE_AUCTION.sff.embedded.prod_affiliate.138.jpg width=61 height=80 alt= border=1brfont size=-2CharlotteObserver.com/font/a/font/tdtd valign=top class=jfont style=font-size:85%;font-family:arial,sans-serifbrdiv style=padding-top:0.8em;img alt= height=1 width=1/divdiv class=lha href=http://www.citywebshopper.net/articles/includes/redirect.php?url=http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/ap/tx/6060071.htmlcid=1258259864ei=Nc32SOLiEqjk6gOJtsWRCQusg=AFQjCNGnfh2yj5cwHSnBzW3YEEqsQaIS1wFamed bhumor/b magazine to auction early work/abrfont size=-1font color=#6f6f6fHouston Chronicle,nbsp;United Statesnbsp;-/font nobr10 hours ago/nobr/fontbrfont size=-1AP Texas News © 2008 AP NEW YORK — After half a century of zapping pompous politicians and Hollywood heroes with zany and biting satire, Mad magazine is b.../b/fontbrfont size=-1a href=http://www.citywebshopper.net/articles/includes/redirect.php?url=http://ap.google.com/article/ALeqM5g-QbzsKhwc4w0MnPhvWXC3IjfPawD93R8QA00cid=1258259864ei=Nc32SOLiEqjk6gOJtsWRCQusg=AFQjCNHb0iSbwEP24Uo20mCk8pshYFpp_QWhat _ me worry? MAD to auction early works/a font size=-1 color=#6f6f6fnobrThe Associated Press/nobr/font/fontbrfont class=p size=-1a class=p href=http://news.google.com/news?sourceid=navclientie=ISO-8859-1rls=GGLG,GGLG:2005-22,GGLG:enncl=1258259864hl=ennobrall 125 news articles/nobr/a/font/div/font/td/tr/table
    table border=0 width= valign=top cellpadding=2 cellspacing=7trtd width=80 align=center valign=topfont style=font-size:85%;font-family:arial,sans-serifa href=http://www.citywebshopper.net/articles/includes/redirect.php?url=http://tvdecoder.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/10/15/dl-hughley-to-add-humor-to-cnn/cid=1258173714ei=Nc32SOLiEqjk6gOJtsWRCQusg=AFQjCNGqTHCX79LV_82BGqBH4M7VxkFDMAimg src=http://news.google.com/news?imgefp=LplUfIS0EE8Jimgurl=graphics8.nytimes.com/images/blogs/tvdecoder/posts/1008/dl-hughley.jpg width=80 height=43 alt= border=1brfont size=-2New York Times Blogs/font/a/font/tdtd valign=top class=jfont style=font-size:85%;font-family:arial,sans-serifbrdiv style=padding-top:0.8em;img alt= height=1 width=1/divdiv class=lha href=http://www.citywebshopper.net/articles/includes/redirect.php?url=http://tvdecoder.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/10/15/dl-hughley-to-add-humor-to-cnn/cid=1258173714ei=Nc32SOLiEqjk6gOJtsWRCQusg=AFQjCNGqTHCX79LV_82BGqBH4M7VxkFDMADL Hughley to Add bHumor/b to CNN/abrfont size=-1font color=#6f6f6fNew York Times Blogs,nbsp;NYnbsp;-/font nobr11 hours ago/nobr/fontbrfont size=-1By Brian Stelter DL Hughley, shown here in a promotional shot from the NBC drama “Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip,” will host a comedic series on CNN. b.../b/font/div/font/td/tr/table
    table border=0 width= valign=top cellpadding=2 cellspacing=7trtd width=80 align=center valign=topfont style=font-size:85%;font-family:arial,sans-serifa href=http://www.citywebshopper.net/articles/includes/redirect.php?url=http://www.boston.com/lifestyle/food/articles/2008/10/15/humor_drives_free_parking_exhibitcid=0ei=Nc32SOLiEqjk6gOJtsWRCQusg=AFQjCNFZsnMJf51ORXrXuyONQRU_glFK3wimg src=http://news.google.com/news?imgefp=PNuLJQxzti0Jimgurl=cache.boston.com/resize/bonzai-fba/Globe_Photo/2008/10/13/1223943113_2962/300h.jpg width=71 height=80 alt= border=1brfont size=-2Boston Globe/font/a/font/tdtd valign=top class=jfont style=font-size:85%;font-family:arial,sans-serifbrdiv style=padding-top:0.8em;img alt= height=1 width=1/divdiv class=lha href=http://www.citywebshopper.net/articles/includes/redirect.php?url=http://www.boston.com/lifestyle/food/articles/2008/10/15/humor_drives_free_parking_exhibitcid=0ei=Nc32SOLiEqjk6gOJtsWRCQusg=AFQjCNFZsnMJf51ORXrXuyONQRU_glFK3wbHumor/b drives #39;Free Parking#39; exhibit/abrfont size=-1font color=#6f6f6fBoston Globe,nbsp;United Statesnbsp;-/font nobr22 hours ago/nobr/fontbrfont size=-1By Cate McQuaid I spend a lot of time in my car so like it or not a good chunk of my consciousness is taken up with driving: traffic jams, where to turn, b.../b/font/div/font/td/tr/table
    table border=0 width= valign=top cellpadding=2 cellspacing=7trtd valign=top class=jfont style=font-size:85%;font-family:arial,sans-serifbrdiv style=padding-top:0.8em;img alt= height=1 width=1/divdiv class=lha href=http://www.citywebshopper.net/articles/includes/redirect.php?url=http://www.rossmoornews.com/articles/2008/10/15/news/community_news/12ralph%2520daniel%2520hopes.txtcid=0ei=Nc32SOLiEqjk6gOJtsWRCQusg=AFQjCNGm9eyK8VLO1u_MIVQeRD0RY-3_UwRalph Daniel hopes to spread bhumor/b in Rossmoor with his books/abrfont size=-1font color=#6f6f6fRossmoor News,nbsp;CAnbsp;-/font nobr4 hours ago/nobr/fontbrfont size=-1By Chrissa Basbas Staff writer Ralph Daniel has always believed that he was given an extra dose of bhumor/b when he was born and that it was his obligation to b.../b/font/div/font/td/tr/table
    table border=0 width= valign=top cellpadding=2 cellspacing=7trtd valign=top class=jfont style=font-size:85%;font-family:arial,sans-serifbrdiv style=padding-top:0.8em;img alt= height=1 width=1/divdiv class=lha href=http://www.citywebshopper.net/articles/includes/redirect.php?url=http://tv.ign.com/articles/920/920217p1.htmlcid=1258220545ei=Nc32SOLiEqjk6gOJtsWRCQusg=AFQjCNGJpKzqbQof13M6nbax3mnjr8ZhrQKrod To Split Our Sides With bHumor/b, Vorpal Blade/abrfont size=-1font color=#6f6f6fIGN,nbsp;CAnbsp;-/font nobr10 hours ago/nobr/fontbrfont size=-1by Matt Fowler October 15, 2008 - Comedy Central is about to enter the realm of swords and sorcery with the new show Krod Mandoon and the Flaming Sword of b.../b/font/div/font/td/tr/table
    table border=0 width= valign=top cellpadding=2 cellspacing=7trtd valign=top class=jfont style=font-size:85%;font-family:arial,sans-serifbrdiv style=padding-top:0.8em;img alt= height=1 width=1/divdiv class=lha href=http://www.citywebshopper.net/articles/includes/redirect.php?url=http://www.cedarcityreview.com/articles.php%3Fid%3D4904%26art_title%3DYou_Too_Can_be_a_Humor_Columnist_(In_Six_Easy_Steps)cid=0ei=Nc32SOLiEqjk6gOJtsWRCQusg=AFQjCNFDtCGQNWHAgpYvCYEMA_WZAVqtkAYou Too Can be a bHumor/b Columnist (In Six Easy Steps)/abrfont size=-1font color=#6f6f6fCedar City Review,nbsp;UTnbsp;-/font nobr6 hours ago/nobr/fontbrfont size=-1By: Brandon Murphy The first step to being a bhumor/b columnist is, you have to know what “funny” is, not just what is funny. b.../b/font/div/font/td/tr/table
    table border=0 width= valign=top cellpadding=2 cellspacing=7trtd valign=top class=jfont style=font-size:85%;font-family:arial,sans-serifbrdiv style=padding-top:0.8em;img alt= height=1 width=1/divdiv class=lha href=http://www.citywebshopper.net/articles/includes/redirect.php?url=http://www.charleston.net/news/2008/oct/16/gilc58017/cid=0ei=Nc32SOLiEqjk6gOJtsWRCQusg=AFQjCNE_NKTVkKXebRhunHR5vPSZ5JaGdgPutting a little bhumor/b in the aging process/abrfont size=-1font color=#6f6f6fCharleston Post Courier,nbsp;SCnbsp;-/font nobr1 hour ago/nobr/fontbrfont size=-1By Edward M. Gilbreth It#39;s remarkable how many people out there still have old Ashley Cooper clippings. Occasionally, they#39;ll find their way to my office, b.../b/font/div/font/td/tr/table
    table border=0 width= valign=top cellpadding=2 cellspacing=7trtd valign=top class=jfont style=font-size:85%;font-family:arial,sans-serifbrdiv style=padding-top:0.8em;img alt= height=1 width=1/divdiv class=lha href=http://www.citywebshopper.net/articles/includes/redirect.php?url=http://mangalorean.com/entertainment/poems.php%3Fjokeid%3D2404%26enttype%3Djokedetailcid=0ei=Nc32SOLiEqjk6gOJtsWRCQusg=AFQjCNHPslR4VDYV8HJwFNxFy4v4MnLfwwIrish bHumor/b Posted By: Anonymous/abrfont size=-1font color=#6f6f6fMangalorean.com,nbsp;Indianbsp;-/font nobr1 hour ago/nobr/fontbrfont size=-1#39;I know,#39;says Paddy, #39;but we#39;ve no money for a cab and we#39;vemissed the last bus home.#39; #39;We could steal a bus from the depot,#39;Mick suggests. b.../b/font/div/font/td/tr/table
    humor - Google News

    • Poor Rixs Almanac 8-13-05

    Dear Poor Rix: A guy just invited me to a... Read More

    Funny Things We Dream

    I often wonder why I wake up so happy, ready... Read More

    Poor Rixs Almanac 8-27-05

    Hey, Poor Rix: What do you think about school food?... Read More

    The Patience of Job

    Voltaire said, "God is a comedian playing to an... Read More

    Playing Go-Between in the Digital Age

    NOTE: This article was originally published in May 2000 at... Read More

    I Got to Play an April Fools Joke Before I was Born

    I will start this by saying that yes, I did... Read More

    Important Safety Tip$

    I was given a list of Do's and Don'ts of... Read More

    To See Or Not To See

    I went to the eye doctor the other day. I... Read More

    The Worlds First Comedian?

    If you ever saw Aristophanes live on stage, you must... Read More

    Dumb Luck

    I've never really thought of myself as being funny. I... Read More

    Freudian Slippage

    Saturday morning. I went, in the early morning, to the... Read More

    Restaurant Manager Gives Out Sexual Favors As Performance Bonus, Raise

    While many restaurant workers worry and sweat in anticipation of... Read More

    Pee Here Now

    Several years ago, I switched health insurance companies and my... Read More

    A French Teachers Memories: First Day at School

    Despite my diplomas that allowed me to teach in state... Read More

    Lactose Intolerant? It could be a good thing

    Lactose Intolerant Individuals may prove a bonus in Space Missions.... Read More

    How to Build a Cobblestone House

    He huffed and he puffed and he blew the house... Read More

    11 Alternative Garden Games

    Tired of the same ol', same ol' when it come... Read More

    Nine Movies That Make You Want To Yell, Stop Saying That

    Movie moments are nice things to share with the people... Read More

    Wanted: Treadmill for an Elephant

    Maggie, the 22 year-old African elephant, has been a resident... Read More

    The Work-from-home Fashion Primer

    Last week, I reported how writers, stay-at-home parents and online... Read More

    Essential Laughter

    Take time to laugh at yourself and the ridiculous in... Read More

    A Dogs Guide To... Getting Your Dog to Stop Barking

    I like to bark. I mean, I like to bark... Read More

    [Not So] Outgoing Mail

    I am currently perplexed by the concept of outgoing mail.... Read More

    Beyond Black and White

    Over visiting a neighbor the other day?"Would you like a... Read More

    Used Condom Found In Restaurant Salad Bar; Waiter Embarrassed To Tears

    Evidence of after-hours activity turned up at a Big Boy... Read More