Been There, Done That

Fourteen years ago I was divorced from my second wife, her idea. I'll call her Kay. But I never lost my love for her. She married again and had two children. We always remained friends, however my new wife could not relate to that, so contact via any manner was limited.

Kay divorced again about four years ago, and my wife just passed away recently. Kay sent her condolences and that has led to a meeting for coffee in the near future. First, I feel guilt because my wife's passing is not even a month old, and my heart is buzzing for Kay. Second, my heart tells me I could live with Kay for the rest of my life, but my intellect tells me I would be a fool to now raise the two kids of the man she left me for.

I feel if I ever commit myself to Kay, I may regret the children, and our relationship would be ruined. I also feel if I don't commit myself to Kay, I may regret losing the woman I never stopped loving.

Keith

Keith, a friend of ours is a superb horsewoman. A few years ago she acquired a stunningly beautiful, gray Paso Fino horse. This horse had the characteristic gait of the Paso Fino. When he walked slowly forward, his hooves beat the ground in a perfect four beat rhythm like the rapid roll of a drum. She knew he had been mishandled and abused by a string of previous owners.

Our friend saw the potential in this horse, but no matter how much she worked with him, she could not make him achieve that potential. She experienced one more thing. This was a dangerous animal. A less accomplished rider might have been seriously injured. Finally, she had to admit the horse's flaws and let him go.

In your imagination there is something about Kay which allows you to deny the reality of her actions. You wooed Kay, you were engaged to Kay, you legally married Kay, and she left you for another man. You might call her children the children of another man, but they are her children. They came out of her body. The children are completely innocent.

Until you can get this turned around in your head, you need to consider whether to even meet Kay. The term which describes what you are doing is displacement. It means transferring emotion from the original object to a more acceptable substitute. The loathing you feel for Kay's children is really the loathing and anger you feel toward Kay for leaving you.

Put the blame where it belongs. It doesn't belong on the children, it belongs on Kay. Kay is looking out for Kay. Like our friend with the Paso Fino, you need to admit Kay's flaws and let her go.

Wayne & Tamara

He Loves Me Not

Me and my boyfriend recently split up. It was amicable, but he turned nasty, said he hated me, and erased me from his mobile. Then he decided he would like to be friends. To make matters worse, he keeps telling me he misses me and still loves me. I feel like he's messing with my head. Is there any advice you can give me in order to either get him back or to move on? I feel like he's playing games.

Alice

Alice, your ex-boyfriend has you pulling petals from a daisy. With the first you say, "He loves me." With the second you say, "He loves me not." He has you wondering which answer the final petal will yield. He has you playing games.

With a true love the flower isn't destroyed. All the petals are intact. But when someone makes you play this game, know that the final petal always is, "He loves me not." Accept the answer and move on.

Wayne & Tamara

Direct Answers - Column for the week of April 12, 2004

About The Author

Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.

Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.

Pride Goeth

Direct Answers - Column for the week of November 25,... Read More

The Power of the Tongue

There is an old proverb with a lot of wisdom.... Read More

Aim High

Change is difficult for many people. Often times our whole... Read More

Maternal Instincts

Direct Answers - Column for the week of October 14,... Read More

Everybody is Somebody

I wrote about my life and all that I have... Read More

Get Your Guidance and Get to Know Your True Self

Many people feel they have everything they need in life,... Read More

Brilliance in Balance

"For everything you have missed, you have gained something else;... Read More

Work In Progress: 10 Benefits of Not Knowing It All

1. You can relax and enjoy your life more if... Read More

Your True Talent Will Set You Free

When you get home from work, do you feel enriched,... Read More

Leaving The Child Behind. Recovery From Child Abuse

I looked at my father for the last time before... Read More

Flight Delay

Direct Answers - Column for the week of October 6,... Read More

Reality Check

Direct Answers - Column for the week of September 16,... Read More

Experiences in My Life Prompted Me to Never Give Up

Many people think that their life is a disaster that... Read More

Realistic Living

" The fountain of content must spring up in the... Read More

Caste Out

Direct Answers - Column for the week of September 29,... Read More

Tim McGraw had it Right - Live Like You Are Dying!

Chorus: An' he said: "I went ski diving, I went... Read More

Anything That?s Worth Doing, Is Worth Doing Poorly

Yes you got it. You read it correctly. We're not... Read More

Life

Life is what happens to you, while you are making... Read More

Is Transformation Worth the Effort?

Soaring 700 feet above the forest floor is a granite... Read More

Are You Afraid of Change?

Change, no matter how you cut it, can certainly be... Read More

The Brilliant You, Unreleased!

You're a remarkable person. But, you knew that already. Still,... Read More

Product Testing

Direct Answers - Column for the week of June 24,... Read More

Safety ? Are You OK?

Safety is an interesting concept. When we think of safety... Read More

Lisas Christmas

Lisa was born into a loving Christian family and went... Read More

How to Use the Ebb and Flow of Life to Your Advantage

Are you overwhelmed with so many activities you don't know... Read More