Full Disclosure

Direct Answers - Column for the week of April 21, 2003

I hope you can talk me out of this bad feeling. I watched the Michael Jackson program where he was talking about how he was treated by his father. I had hushed the bad memories to the back of my head, but this program brought them flooding back.

I was brought up in Ireland with a mother and father. All I remember of my childhood was my mother beating me for nothing. I was beaten three or four times a week with a hurley stick, but she was so nice to everyone no one would have believed the terror we lived in.

I had to get my brothers and sisters out to school while she stayed in bed. If I did not leave the kitchen spotless before I went to school, I got a beating when I came home for lunch. We had tiled floors, and at the weekend she would hand me a box of Brillo soap pads and tell me to scrub. If I missed one tile, I got a beating.

We were never loved, kissed, or cuddled as kids, and never a nice word spoken. My father left home when I was 17, and so did I. My mother lives with my sister, and I see her Christmas. She never has anything to say to me. My sister said if she talks to my mother about the past, she says she does not remember.

Now in my fifties, I feel I wasted my life away living in a shell I built around myself. I have been with the same man for 25 years now and find it hard to talk about my feelings. I have a few close friends, but they don't know about my childhood.

I don't think you can help me, but just putting pen to paper helps.

Brigid

Brigid, spending Christmas with your mother must be like spending Christmas with the assailant who battered you, stole your purse, and was never punished. Just laying eyes on her hurts you. You had to mother yourself and that is very difficult, but be grateful for the shell you created. It allowed you to survive.

If you tell your close friends, it will give you even more release than writing this letter. It will be hard for you to tell, and hard for them to listen. It was hard for us to hear your story, and we barely know you. But telling them is the place to begin.

Telling your friends will allow you and them to be more honest in general conversation. It will help them not to make comments which may unintentionally hurt you, or to ask what you are giving your mother for Christmas. You may, however, have to discourage them from heading to Ireland with a hurley stick.

Wayne

The Sting

This may seem like a silly question, but I am curious how common this scenario is. I signed a onerous and mean-spirited divorce decree without legal representation because my ex-wife said the divorce was just symbolic. It was to give closure to a bad marriage, and we were going to start over.

After the divorce was real, final, and contained things I never agreed to, I am paying more than $6000 per month in cash and prizes. Have you heard of this before?

Ramsey

Ramsey, at the risk of stating the obvious, divorce is the final legal disconnection of a union. It is not done to restart a relationship. You could have symbolically burned a piece of paper, gotten new wedding rings, or begun "dating" each other again. But she had another plan in mind.

Who gets involved in one-sided divorces? The good person, the trusting person, the one who wants to believe. Perhaps a good attorney can get a more equitable settlement. Perhaps not. But we have heard your story before. It is the consequence of being a trusting person.

Tamara

About The Author

Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.

Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.

In The News:
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table border=0 width= valign=top cellpadding=2 cellspacing=7trtd width=80 align=center valign=topfont style=font-size:85%;font-family:arial,sans-serifa href=http://www.citywebshopper.net/articles/includes/redirect.php?url=http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/movies/388695_fuel21q.htmlcid=1272678800ei=6oUpSaDCF6iY6AOs2vXHBwusg=AFQjCNHvA1byVsDlOCUtvkElosdq4I4Jbwimg src=http://news.google.com/news?imgefp=GBkXt4icemIJimgurl=seattlepi.nwsource.com/dayart/20081121/450wh_fueldirector21.jpg width=80 height=53 alt= border=1brfont size=-2Seattle Post Intelligencer/font/a/font/tdtd valign=top class=jfont style=font-size:85%;font-family:arial,sans-serifbrdiv style=padding-top:0.8em;img alt= height=1 width=1/divdiv class=lha href=http://www.citywebshopper.net/articles/includes/redirect.php?url=http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/movies/388695_fuel21q.htmlcid=1272678800ei=6oUpSaDCF6iY6AOs2vXHBwusg=AFQjCNHvA1byVsDlOCUtvkElosdq4I4JbwPractical and binspirational/b, #39;Fuel#39; faces the facts of the energy b.../b/abrfont size=-1font color=#6f6f6fSeattle Post Intelligencernbsp;-/font nobrNov 20, 2008/nobr/fontbrfont size=-1By SEAN AXMAKER The rallying cry of director/activist Joshua Tickell#39;s quot;Fuelquot; is not as catchy as quot;Save the cheerleader, save the world,quot; but it is b.../b/font/div/font/td/tr/table
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table border=0 width= valign=top cellpadding=2 cellspacing=7trtd valign=top class=jfont style=font-size:85%;font-family:arial,sans-serifbrdiv style=padding-top:0.8em;img alt= height=1 width=1/divdiv class=lha href=http://www.citywebshopper.net/articles/includes/redirect.php?url=http://www.gosanangelo.com/news/2008/nov/21/3-inspirational-books-in-time-for-holidays/cid=0ei=6oUpSaDCF6iY6AOs2vXHBwusg=AFQjCNHZGYPi4vRzMI25RJ_S2KFMTXO8BA3 binspirational/b books in time for holidays/abrfont size=-1font color=#6f6f6fSan Angelo Standard Times,nbsp;txnbsp;-/font nobrNov 20, 2008/nobr/fontbrfont size=-1Both are billed as binspirational/b gift books for all ages, especially teens and young adults, and both are filled with upbeat quotations from a variety of b.../b/font/div/font/td/tr/table
table border=0 width= valign=top cellpadding=2 cellspacing=7trtd valign=top class=jfont style=font-size:85%;font-family:arial,sans-serifbrdiv style=padding-top:0.8em;img alt= height=1 width=1/divdiv class=lha href=http://www.citywebshopper.net/articles/includes/redirect.php?url=http://www.liverpooldailypost.co.uk/liverpool-news/regional-news/2008/11/22/inspirational-school-sports-hall-gets-the-go-ahead-64375-22315166/cid=0ei=6oUpSaDCF6iY6AOs2vXHBwusg=AFQjCNFE5CK7gppkkDljmWZ-lB1OAUsPmQ‘bInspirational/b’ school sports hall gets the go-ahead/abrfont size=-1font color=#6f6f6fLiverpool Daily Post,nbsp;UKnbsp;-/font nobrNov 21, 2008/nobr/fontbrfont size=-1MERCHANT Taylors’ School in Crosby will soon boast an “binspirational/b, light, bright and welcoming” new sports hall, after Sefton Council granted planning b.../b/font/div/font/td/tr/table
table border=0 width= valign=top cellpadding=2 cellspacing=7trtd width=80 align=center valign=topfont style=font-size:85%;font-family:arial,sans-serifa href=http://www.citywebshopper.net/articles/includes/redirect.php?url=http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1088576/Inspirational-cancer-sufferer-raised-1-75m-charity-left-just-19-000-will.htmlcid=1273444680ei=6oUpSaDCF6iY6AOs2vXHBwusg=AFQjCNGpuiwPNXAWEdouTXGYGOPpXP_-2gimg src=http://news.google.com/news?imgefp=v2DqpVn1wbkJimgurl=i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2008/11/22/article-1088576-0098B41D000004B0-369_468x286.jpg width=80 height=49 alt= border=1brfont size=-2Daily Mail/font/a/font/tdtd valign=top class=jfont style=font-size:85%;font-family:arial,sans-serifbrdiv style=padding-top:0.8em;img alt= height=1 width=1/divdiv class=lha href=http://www.citywebshopper.net/articles/includes/redirect.php?url=http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1088576/Inspirational-cancer-sufferer-raised-1-75m-charity-left-just-19-000-will.htmlcid=1273444680ei=6oUpSaDCF6iY6AOs2vXHBwusg=AFQjCNGpuiwPNXAWEdouTXGYGOPpXP_-2gbInspirational/b cancer sufferer who raised £1.75m for charity left b.../b/abrfont size=-1font color=#6f6f6fDaily Mail,nbsp;UKnbsp;-/font nobr18 hours ago/nobr/fontbrfont size=-1By Mail On Sunday Reporter Most of the money goes to her husband Mike, with future earnings from her two books going to her children Suzanne, 22, Rebecca, b.../b/font/div/font/td/tr/table
table border=0 width= valign=top cellpadding=2 cellspacing=7trtd valign=top class=jfont style=font-size:85%;font-family:arial,sans-serifbrdiv style=padding-top:0.8em;img alt= height=1 width=1/divdiv class=lha href=http://www.citywebshopper.net/articles/includes/redirect.php?url=http://www.phillyburbs.com/pb-dyn/news/111-11232008-1626401.htmlcid=0ei=6oUpSaDCF6iY6AOs2vXHBwusg=AFQjCNE1ZTu_Eld65SABHNOKcsZc-hz4FQGot a story to tell?/abrfont size=-1font color=#6f6f6fphillyBurbs.com,nbsp;PAnbsp;-/font nobr1 hour ago/nobr/fontbrfont size=-1But do you have a great story, an binspirational/b story, a hilarious, bizarre or unbelievable story? The kind of story that, when you tell your friends, b.../b/font/div/font/td/tr/table
table border=0 width= valign=top cellpadding=2 cellspacing=7trtd width=80 align=center valign=topfont style=font-size:85%;font-family:arial,sans-serifa href=http://www.citywebshopper.net/articles/includes/redirect.php?url=http://www.voanews.com/english/2008-11-05-voa68.cfmcid=1267202318ei=6oUpSaDCF6iY6AOs2vXHBwusg=AFQjCNF_UGEvnOAQr1FBuVLgV9HOi2FcYgimg src=http://news.google.com/news?imgefp=PLNdundxzegJimgurl=www.voanews.com/english/images/AP_Rice_on_Obama_05NOV08.jpg width=77 height=80 alt= border=1brfont size=-2Voice of America/font/a/font/tdtd valign=top class=jfont style=font-size:85%;font-family:arial,sans-serifbrdiv style=padding-top:0.8em;img alt= height=1 width=1/divdiv class=lha href=http://www.citywebshopper.net/articles/includes/redirect.php?url=http://afp.google.com/article/ALeqM5gEZDGk7Pl-oafbXDJAF1GY2yZU6gcid=1267202318ei=6oUpSaDCF6iY6AOs2vXHBwusg=AFQjCNHZBuIKJQFnDizDEu50b53l2_0RWQAs proud African American, Rice calls Obama #39;binspirational/b#39;/abrfont size=-1font color=#6f6f6fAFPnbsp;-/font nobrNov 5, 2008/nobr/fontbrfont size=-1WASHINGTON (AFP) — US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice on Wednesday called President-elect Barack Obama quot;binspirational/b,quot; saying his election marked quot;an b.../b/fontbrfont size=-1a href=http://www.citywebshopper.net/articles/includes/redirect.php?url=http://www.youtube.com/watch%3Fv%3DbtFoHq6ttOAcid=1267202318ei=6oUpSaDCF6iY6AOs2vXHBwusg=AFQjCNFQsi0wrNSxjGlvitFbLp7U7r3o_gVideo: Rice Congratulates Obama on Victory/a font size=-1 color=#6f6f6fnobrAssociatedPress/nobr/fontobject width=448 height=356param name=movie value=http://www.youtube.com/v/btFoHq6ttOA/paramparam name=wmode value=transparent/paramembed src=http://www.youtube.com/v/btFoHq6ttOAtype=application/x-shockwave-flashwmode=transparentwidth=448height=356/embed/objectbr/fontfont size=-1a href=http://www.citywebshopper.net/articles/includes/redirect.php?url=http://www.hindustantimes.com/Redir.aspx%3FID%3D90eba6fb-233b-4484-9009-bcf858354e7bcid=1267202318ei=6oUpSaDCF6iY6AOs2vXHBwusg=AFQjCNFmi7pUyurijvSioINU5DXiA2AHtQRice calls Obama quot;binspirational/bquot;, promises smooth transition/a font size=-1 color=#6f6f6fnobrHindustan Times/nobr/font/fontbrfont size=-1a href=http://www.citywebshopper.net/articles/includes/redirect.php?url=http://www.theaustralian.news.com.au/story/0,25197,24610104-12377,00.htmlcid=1267202318ei=6oUpSaDCF6iY6AOs2vXHBwusg=AFQjCNFipqwehISZxG_U2sK4b3oHPx1G8gRice hails #39;binspirational/b#39; Obama/a font size=-1 color=#6f6f6fnobrThe Australian/nobr/font/fontbrfont size=-1 class=pa href=http://www.citywebshopper.net/articles/includes/redirect.php?url=http://www.iht.com/articles/ap/2008/11/05/america/NA-US-Elections-Rice.phpcid=1267202318ei=6oUpSaDCF6iY6AOs2vXHBwusg=AFQjCNHLArVNkbQIGaPUxTvA8WmA-MlUjQnobrInternational Herald Tribune/nobr/anbsp;- a href=http://www.citywebshopper.net/articles/includes/redirect.php?url=http://www.radionetherlands.nl/news/international/6040429/Bush-praises-Obama-win-pledges-smooth-handovercid=1267202318ei=6oUpSaDCF6iY6AOs2vXHBwusg=AFQjCNEMCR6X3Wj-_tk3zMj06Iek6HucgAnobrRadio Netherlands/nobr/a/fontbr/font class=p size=-1a class=p href=http://news.google.com/news?sourceid=navclientie=ISO-8859-1rls=GGLG,GGLG:2005-22,GGLG:enncl=1267202318hl=ennobrall 321 news articles/nobr/a/font/div/font/td/tr/table
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