Nine Lives

Direct Answers - Column for the week of September 2, 2002

My husband of four years has been arrested for the fourth time for hurting me. This time he strangled me. I always go back with him. He is in jail now with no money to post for his own bail.

I thought I loved him, but lately I can't stand his behind. He is unemployed and so possessive it's hard for me to breathe sometimes. He follows me from room to room and, if I'm on the phone, mutes the television so he can listen.

A year ago we separated and I filed for divorce. We reconciled in November and I put the divorce on hold. Last week I called the clerk, and my divorce was put through. I am now divorced from a man who tried to kill me 10 days ago.

Great, right? I am so sad and lonely and feel so bad for him sitting in jail that I can't get my head cleared out. I feel like I have no life other than work. I have no family and few friends.

I feel he hurts me because I argue with him and put him in a corner like a scared animal. He has to strike out at me to defend his manhood. It's hard to explain. And yes, I have begun counseling. Forget him or love him, that is my question.

Tori

Tori, most of us get many chances to change our life, but we don't get an unlimited number of chances. This man may take your last chance away from you.

Like the people held hostage by gunmen in a Stockholm bank 30 years ago, you have begun to identify with your captor. You see the world from his point of view and deny what he is doing to you. Or at least, that is what part of you does.

Another part of you chose to divorce him. That part realizes you have freedom. That part recognizes love is about caring, respect, and admiration which flow back and forth. That part of you knows this man can never give you what you most deeply need.

Now you're like an addict struggling with addiction. Loneliness is weakening your resolve, but you've got to remember the reason for quitting. Stay in counseling. Seek emotional support. Formulate a protection plan.

You have work, not everyone has that. That is something to build on. You have friends, not everyone has that. That is something to build on. You have life, that is something other women in your situation have lost.

Wayne and Tamara

Happiness Is?

I was raised to believe that the secret to happiness is to be interested in other people, be a good listener, and spend your time helping others. However, the happiest people I know are completely self-absorbed.

Eagerly they bombard me with every thought that has passed through their mind, every excruciating detail of their mundane little weekends, every boring incident involving the computer at work. I am left grabbing for the Prozac, and wondering where I went wrong. In our modern world, is self-obsession the only way to go?

Chris

Chris, ignorance may be bliss, but it isn't happiness. Happiness doesn't come from living in a closet or only looking at two colors in the rainbow.

People who can only talk about the weather or movies she hasn't seen, drive Tamara crazy. One cure is to gradually withdrawing from those people. That opens space in one's life for people who are vitally alive and growing.

By filling yourself up and growing, you have much to offer lively people, and they will be attracted to you as well. Build on the relationships you find pleasure in, and start pulling back from the other ones. A friend of mine once explained how he lost the sense of joy in his life, and how he got it back. He told me, "I forgot to dream."

Wayne

About The Author

Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.

Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.

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table border=0 width= valign=top cellpadding=2 cellspacing=7trtd valign=top class=jfont style=font-size:85%;font-family:arial,sans-serifbrdiv style=padding-top:0.8em;img alt= height=1 width=1/divdiv class=lha href=http://www.citywebshopper.net/articles/includes/redirect.php?url=http://www.thenewsstar.com/article/20081121/LIFESTYLE/811210303cid=0ei=85YoSfGsB6iY6AOs2vXHBwusg=AFQjCNF03aW5cdizswEIUJX64AsXY-AqiwMinistry of bInspirational/b Therapy holds meeting/abrfont size=-1font color=#6f6f6fMonroe News Star,nbsp;LAnbsp;-/font nobrNov 20, 2008/nobr/fontbrfont size=-1The 18th annual membership meeting of the Ministry of bInspirational/b Therapy was held Nov. 13 at the NELBA building in West Monroe. Gloria Jones, president b.../b/font/div/font/td/tr/table
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table border=0 width= valign=top cellpadding=2 cellspacing=7trtd width=80 align=center valign=topfont style=font-size:85%;font-family:arial,sans-serifa href=http://www.citywebshopper.net/articles/includes/redirect.php?url=http://www.lehighvalleylive.com/entertainment/index.ssf/2008/11/a_look_at_the_top_10_inspirati.htmlcid=1272456151ei=85YoSfGsB6iY6AOs2vXHBwusg=AFQjCNEkEZx5YOrd8kpN62fZghbfsCUykQimg src=http://news.google.com/news?imgefp=vu3u2hnmd9EJimgurl=blog.lehighvalleylive.com/movies_impact/2008/11/large_Titans.jpg width=80 height=52 alt= border=1brfont size=-2The Express Times - LehighValleyLive.com/font/a/font/tdtd valign=top class=jfont style=font-size:85%;font-family:arial,sans-serifbrdiv style=padding-top:0.8em;img alt= height=1 width=1/divdiv class=lha href=http://www.citywebshopper.net/articles/includes/redirect.php?url=http://www.lehighvalleylive.com/entertainment/index.ssf/2008/11/a_look_at_the_top_10_inspirati.htmlcid=1272456151ei=85YoSfGsB6iY6AOs2vXHBwusg=AFQjCNEkEZx5YOrd8kpN62fZghbfsCUykQA look at the top 10 binspirational/b sports movies/abrfont size=-1font color=#6f6f6fThe Express Times - LehighValleyLive.com,nbsp;PAnbsp;-/font nobrNov 19, 2008/nobr/fontbrfont size=-1It#39;s one of the top ten binspirational/b sports movies of all time. Not so long ago I came across something on the Beliefnet.com Web site about binspirational/b b.../b/fontbrfont size=-1a href=http://www.citywebshopper.net/articles/includes/redirect.php?url=http://www.lehighvalleylive.com/entertainment/index.ssf%3F/base/living-0/1227157523319260.xml%26coll%3D3cid=1272456151ei=85YoSfGsB6iY6AOs2vXHBwusg=AFQjCNFuS4S2UgH3wquCW-vyk34s_ZEToASingling out some binspirational/b sports movies, from #39;Titans#39; and b.../b/a font size=-1 color=#6f6f6fnobrThe Express Times - LehighValleyLive.com/nobr/font/fontbrfont class=p size=-1a class=p href=http://news.google.com/news?sourceid=navclientie=ISO-8859-1rls=GGLG,GGLG:2005-22,GGLG:enncl=1272456151hl=ennobrall 2 news articles/nobr/a/font/div/font/td/tr/table
table border=0 width= valign=top cellpadding=2 cellspacing=7trtd width=80 align=center valign=topfont style=font-size:85%;font-family:arial,sans-serifa href=http://www.citywebshopper.net/articles/includes/redirect.php?url=http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1088576/Inspirational-cancer-sufferer-raised-1-75m-charity-left-just-19-000-will.htmlcid=0ei=85YoSfGsB6iY6AOs2vXHBwusg=AFQjCNGiS0AuC76tBP1TTpei1Df8c_6FHwimg src=http://news.google.com/news?imgefp=v2DqpVn1wbkJimgurl=i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2008/11/22/article-1088576-0098B41D000004B0-369_468x286.jpg width=80 height=49 alt= border=1brfont size=-2Daily Mail/font/a/font/tdtd valign=top class=jfont style=font-size:85%;font-family:arial,sans-serifbrdiv style=padding-top:0.8em;img alt= height=1 width=1/divdiv class=lha href=http://www.citywebshopper.net/articles/includes/redirect.php?url=http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1088576/Inspirational-cancer-sufferer-raised-1-75m-charity-left-just-19-000-will.htmlcid=0ei=85YoSfGsB6iY6AOs2vXHBwusg=AFQjCNGiS0AuC76tBP1TTpei1Df8c_6FHwbInspirational/b cancer sufferer who raised £1.75m for charity left b.../b/abrfont size=-1font color=#6f6f6fDaily Mail,nbsp;UKnbsp;-/font nobr1 hour ago/nobr/fontbrfont size=-1By Mail On Sunday Reporter Most of the money goes to her husband Mike, with future earnings from her two books going to her children Suzanne, 22, Rebecca, b.../b/font/div/font/td/tr/table
table border=0 width= valign=top cellpadding=2 cellspacing=7trtd valign=top class=jfont style=font-size:85%;font-family:arial,sans-serifbrdiv style=padding-top:0.8em;img alt= height=1 width=1/divdiv class=lha href=http://www.citywebshopper.net/articles/includes/redirect.php?url=http://www.pressconnects.com/article/20081121/OPINION03/811210312/1005/OPINIONcid=0ei=85YoSfGsB6iY6AOs2vXHBwusg=AFQjCNE9BzkNDfrTKviV8SP1IVgjFiacswGuest Viewpoint: Astronaut from Windsor is binspirational/b/abrfont size=-1font color=#6f6f6fPress Sun-Bulletin,nbsp;NYnbsp;-/font nobrNov 20, 2008/nobr/fontbrfont size=-1Wheelock, a Windsor native, graciously gave of his precious time and his exuberant energy to bring a very informative and binspirational/b message to children b.../b/font/div/font/td/tr/table
table border=0 width= valign=top cellpadding=2 cellspacing=7trtd valign=top class=jfont style=font-size:85%;font-family:arial,sans-serifbrdiv style=padding-top:0.8em;img alt= height=1 width=1/divdiv class=lha href=http://www.citywebshopper.net/articles/includes/redirect.php?url=http://www.huffingtonpost.com/andrea-chalupa/7-easy-holiday-gifts-you_b_145736.htmlcid=0ei=85YoSfGsB6iY6AOs2vXHBwusg=AFQjCNG5M4T6QgXOHXRPYbJjC8Koi8uuhA7 Easy Holiday Gifts You Can Make/abrfont size=-1font color=#6f6f6fHuffington Post,nbsp;NYnbsp;-/font nobr4 hours ago/nobr/fontbrfont size=-1Just write an binspirational/b quote in thick marker across the page or on a little label to stick on your wrapped gift just so you counterbalance all that b.../b/font/div/font/td/tr/table
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