Managing Monsters in Meetings - Part 7, Personal Attacks

Personal attacks hurt people, mar communication, and end creativity. If they become part of a meeting's culture, they drive the participants into making safe and perhaps useless contributions.

Approach 1: Speak to the group

Set the stage for the group to enforce its culture by making a general comment. Look at the middle of the group and say:

"Just a moment. Let's pause here to calm down. I can tell we're upset about this. And we want to find a fair solution for everyone." (Take slow deep breaths and relax to model calming down.)

After saying this, pause a moment to let the group respond. Often, someone else will support your request. Then continue as if everything were normal.

Avoid looking at the attacker when speaking to the group. Making eye contact acknowledges and returns power to the attacker.

Approach 2: Explore for the cause

Sometimes people throw insults from behind a fence of presumed safety. You can disrupt this illusion by saying:

"Chris, you seem upset with that."

"Pat, you seem to disagree."

"You seem to have reservations about this."

I realize these statements may sound like naive responses to an insult. However, such understated responses improve the situation because they sound less threatening, feel easier to deliver, and preserve the other person's self-esteem. Realize the attacker may have viewed the attack less seriously than it sounded.

These statements also transfer the focus from the target to the attacker's feelings. And this is what you need to talk about in order to resolve the dispute.

After you speak, continue to look at the attacker and wait for the person to talk about what caused the attack.

If the attack continues, interrupt with:

"Excuse me, we need to respect each other. And I wonder what makes you feel upset over this."

"Excuse me, we heard that. Now, what makes you feel that way?"

"Excuse me, I'm interested in hearing what your concerns are."

Approach 3: Call a break

If verbal approaches fail to end the attacks, then call a break or end the meeting. This will give you a chance to meet privately with the attacker, rewrite the agenda, rebuild communication, and (if appropriate) schedule another meeting without the attacker.

You could say,

"We seem to be at an impasse. I want to take a break so we can all calm down."

"This hostility makes it impossible to get any work done. So, I'm adjourning the meetings. We'll work on this later and then reconvene at another time."

Note that some people use anger to force others to cooperate with them. If you adjourn the meeting, you will have to meet with the attacker to resolve the conflict.

"We need to work on this outside of the meeting. So let's adjourn."

Use these techniques to restore a safe environment to your meeting.

Meetings are a forum for finding solutions, making decisions, and reaching agreements. When you apply these approaches to disruptions, you will maintain the productive environment necessary to accomplish your goals.

This is the seventh of a seven part article on Managing Monsters in Meetings.

- - - - - - - -

IAF Certified Professional Facilitator and author Steve Kaye works with leaders who want to hold effective meeting. His innovative workshops have informed and inspired people nationwide. His facilitation produces results that people will support. Sign up for his free newsletter at http://www.stevekaye.com. Call 714 -528-1300 or visit his web site for over 100 pages of valuable ideas.

Leaders ARE; Are you?

Identity CrisisIt's not only the knowledge you carry around in... Read More

To be, or Not to be (Average)?

When is hate OK? When it's the feeling you have... Read More

Benefits of Leadership Skill Training

DESCRIPTION CMOE's Leadership Skill Training addresses a wide range of... Read More

Reinventing Failure: Designing Success

I am fascinated by problems. I like to think of... Read More

Character -- Why It Matters In Leaders

"Character is much easier kept than recovered." -Thomas Paine"The best... Read More

Two Leadership Traps: How To Get Out Of Them and How To Avoid Them (Part 1)

You've heard of the Peter Principle: "People are promoted to... Read More

In Leadership, The Eight Ways Of Right Action (Part 1)

The ancient Greeks had a saying: "When Aschines speaks, the... Read More

What Every Manager Should Know About How to See the Talents of Effective Leaders

An organization of any size, from the family to the... Read More

Three Growth Guidelines from Stephen Covey

I have been looking for answers to what it takes... Read More

Effective Leaders are (#3) Communicative

LISTEN, WRITE, AND ARTICULATE EFFECTIVELY: Leadership positions require effective communication... Read More

The Incandescence Of The Human Spirit

There lives within every individual a power, an energy, an... Read More

Teen View of Leadership From Around the World

It has been stated that the world of tomorrow will... Read More

In Leadership, Dreams Are The Stuff That Great Results Are Made Of

Leadership is motivational or it's stumbling in the dark. The... Read More

3 Ds For Leadership Action... Dedicate, Direct, Dialogue!

"...And winged hope, with heart of fire, To gain the... Read More

Are You Playing or Practicing Leadership?

Anne was a new supervisor, and like many new supervisors... Read More

Leadership and Power - Being the Boss Doesnt Guarantee Either of Them

Some people mistakenly associate supervisory positions, or seats of power,... Read More

Abraham Lincoln Is Still Alive

Abraham Lincoln Is Still Alive President Jimmy Carter tells in... Read More

Leadership is About Growing Others - Its Not About You!

"Before you become a leader success is all about growing... Read More

Unleash It!

On airplanes, in restaurants, in the newspaper and on television,... Read More

People or Objects? - - You Decide

"How you think determines how you act. How you... Read More

Communication Skills & Leadership - Organizational Communications Processes in Leadership Activity

"Sooth 't were a pleasant life to lead, With nothing... Read More

Stand Out as a Leader, Do 5 Things Better! Number One: Improve the Quality of Your Decision Making!

The manager administers, the leader improves; the manager maintains, the... Read More

Leadership Activity: How Leadership Agenda, Strategy, and Behaviors Shape Your Success!

"Forward, as occasion offers. Never look round to see whether... Read More

Wanted: A Dictionary-Perfect Leader

Answers are often before our very eyes or in front... Read More

Building Future Leaders

As a whole we spend a lot of time filling... Read More