5 Tips for Improving Communication With Your Teenager

Parents are always looking for ways to open up the communication with their teenagers. Here are 5 ideas that are all within your control. Some may represent an attitude shift, some are tactics you can apply; all have the potential to dramatically improve the communication between you and your teen.

1.) Stephen Covey has provided us with some of the best advice for improving all communication: "Seek first to understand, and then to be understood."* This is especially helpful to apply to your communication with your teens.

Parents have a tendency to react quickly sometimes, and this can work against your desires to improve communication. Your child comes home with "D" on a Spanish test. Before you jump too quickly, ask what happened. Your new driver is late for curfew. You are pacing and sick with worry. It's easy to jump down her throat when she comes in the door, even if you are relieved to see her. Listen to her first. Not only can you save face, she learns that you will listen to her and respect what she has to say.

2.) "Be there" despite rejection

Sometimes parents' feelings are hurt if it feels like their teenager is rejecting them. These dynamics may be a natural part of the process; as teens learn to stand on their own and develop a reliance on their own decisions, parents can feel a sense of rejection? and sometimes parents pout or turn away feeling as though they are not needed. But even through these hurt feelings we must continue to reach out to our kids. They are in the midst of dramatic developmental shifts, they are sometimes overwhelmed with the events, feelings, changes that are part of their life. Parents need to "be there" ? reaching out, letting them know they are loved, no matter what. Don't misread their cues by minimizing your communication; continue to "be there" because they need you more than ever.

3.) Listen with your heart; trust your intuition

You trusted your intuition when your child was young. Remember that conversation with the doctor when you knew he had an ear infection even though the exam didn't show it? Parents of teenagers sometimes allow stereotypes about teenagers to carry more weight than their own intuition. Don't let this happen to you. Even though your teenager is changing, you still know him better than anybody else does. If your intuition tells you he's still a good kid, don't fall into the trap of distrusting him. If your intuition tells you something is wrong, take action and get help. You need to trust all your faculties and to develop the ability to "listen" on all available wave lengths.

4.) Go ahead and Negotiate ? it's good!

It's perfectly appropriate for parents with teenagers to negotiate with them. Teens deserve the opportunity to have input into the rules that apply to them. As they mature the rules change, and their ability to negotiate gives you insight into your child's level of maturity. This is valuable information for you. You are also helping your teenager develop important life skills.

Negotiation is also good because it requires parents to examine the rules they are applying and to intentionally and thoughtfully change them as teens develop. This doesn't mean that you cave in to pressure or that you allow them freedom that doesn't feel right. But it does mean you discuss the rules and the reasons behind them.

5.) Sometimes indirect communication works best Not all teenagers can sit down for heart-to-heart talks. In fact, probably very few can. How do parents cover sensitive ground when kids won't stop long enough to even talk? Get comfortable with indirect communication. Write a note, a letter, an e-mail. Plan a short conversation when your teen is in the car with you. They listen to everything you say even if they don't look like it. You may need to give them time to absorb what you are saying without having to respond to you. Get used to indirect communication, it's often the most effective way with teens.

*Covey,Stephen, 7 Habits of Highly Effective People

© 2004 Sue Blaney

Sue Blaney is the author of Please Stop the Rollercoaster! How Parents of Teenagers Can Smooth Out the Ride, a book/workbook/program that guides parents to examine the range of issues they are likely to face. For information on this unique and flexible resource visit our website http://www.PleaseStoptheRollercoaster.com

Back to School - Disappontment?

Our back-to-school buying habits do not help kids succeed in... Read More

A Dangerous Environment

The internet is a dangerous place for your children. Don't... Read More

A Mothers Way

Dear MomOn this day set aside to honour "Mother's" let... Read More

Turn off the TV -- and Turn on to Physical Activity!

Imagine having no television for an entire season. Such was... Read More

Tracking Your Child Progress

As a parent, you can learn a lot about your... Read More

Intermission: Wood Chips

I wanted to share with you one of the most... Read More

What You Should Know About Counseling for Attention Deficit Disorder

At the ADHD Information Library we are big believers that... Read More

Family Meetings Are Now On The Agenda

"Not another meeting!"That tends to be the reaction from many... Read More

Punishing the Victim -- Why Public Schools Pressure Parents To Give Their Kids Mind-Altering Drugs

Public-school teaching is structured in such a way that it... Read More

Tips for the Classroom Teachers with ADHD Students

Thank you for all that you do in the classroom!... Read More

Screaming Kids Driving You Nuts? Four Rules to Help You Keep Your Sanity!

Often I will hear parents say, "I just ignore Jr.... Read More

Spending Time With Your Child

Why Is Spending Time with Your Child So Important?For children... Read More

Advocating for Your Child with LD

Advocate: you've probably heard the term before. But what does... Read More

Why Wont My Child Do as I Say?

In speaking with parents a comment I frequently hear is... Read More

Is Your Teen Swamped with Homework and Tests?

I hear from many parents that their child is stressed... Read More

Bird Flu Pandemic

What are the easiest things citizens can do to prevent... Read More

His Toy, Her Toy

I remember when my daughter was born. Visions of her... Read More

10 Points on Children for the New Parent

I remember when my daughter was born, later my son.... Read More

Labeling is Disabling: Achieving Congruent Communication

A small town, somewhere in the world, was managed by... Read More

Help! My Kids Dont Listen to Me

Does this sound familiar? Have your kids not listened to... Read More

The Ten Most Common Poisons Among Kids

For parents, keeping our kids safe is a constant top... Read More

Safe From Strangers

There are few thoughts as terrifying as the abduction of... Read More

What Are Your Children Really Watching?

Saturday mornings. Cold cereal and Scooby Doo. How many parents... Read More

Banishing Bedtime Blues

"My son won't go to bed at night without a... Read More

Dyslexia: Is the Shoe Perhaps on the Wrong Foot?

Reading is the most important skill that a child must... Read More