Break Free From Power Struggles

You want your daughter to wear a dress to the party. She wants to wear jeans. You want your toddler to take his medicine. He does everything he can to keep that yucky stuff out of his mouth. The more you insist, the more they resist. You can break free from power struggles and turn turbulence into positive growth opportunities by putting a few helpful tips in place:

* Step back and view the big picture. How do you respond when your kids challenge your authority? If you view your kids as "willful," or "bad," consider this: it is developmentally appropriate for kids to test their boundaries. As children grow they have a natural desire to make their own decisions and do things for themselves. They want to separate from their parents and function under their own power. Instead of viewing this as threatening, view it as a necessary part of growing up.

By taking on a big picture view, your emotions won't overpower your judgement when dealing with power hungry kids. When you exert your will through force and intimidation, one of two negative side effects occurs: either your children give in and lose motivation to make decisions for themselves, or they rebel, fighting back against you. When children push for power, remind yourself that a positive response from you can set a course for cooperation and empowerment.

* Break negative patterns. Power struggles follow a pattern like the steps of a dance. They do "this," you do "that." Change the pattern and you change the course of your relationship. Anne has a pattern of engaging Mom in power struggles over her curfew. Anne tells mom, "I'm staying out late." Mom says, "No you aren't." Anne protests. Mom yells. Anne glares. Mom punishes. Anne seeks revenge with rebellious behavior. It's always the same pattern. Once Mom recognized the pattern, she made a conscious decision to change it. The next time Anne said she wanted to stay out late, Mom had a new response. She said, "You really want to stay out late tonight don't you dear?" Anne started to protest out of habit, then looked at Mom in shock. "Yes," Anne said, "I want to stay at Kims house until 11 p.m.." Mom listened to Anne's feelings assuring her that when she got older, she could stay out later.

* Allow kids to make some choices. Lots of parents report success at sidestepping the initial power struggle. Then, they slip back into yelling out orders which sets the pattern back in motion. This can be avoided by giving kids choices that allow both your needs to be met. Judy doesn't want to wash her sticky fingers. Instead of fighting with her, Dad gives Judy a choice, "Do you want to wash with bar soap or liquid soap?" Judy picks liquid soap.

Kids want power. When you give them choices within reasonable limits, it's much easier for them to cooperate. The key to making choices work is to only give choices you are willing to accept. Give "real" choices not manipulative ones, such as this: "You can choose to eat your tuna fish sandwich or choose to lose television for the day." That's not an empowering choice. When you allow children some sense of power in their life, even if it's something small, like what color cup they drink from, what bedtime story they hear, or whether they want to do homework before or after dinner, their esteem grows as they enjoy some control over their lives.

* Empower your kids. When you cannot seem to break free from a power struggle, ask yourself, "How can I empower my child in this situation?" Jane argued with Michael about eating junk food. Every time her back was turned, he devoured everything. Jane decided to give Michael power by telling him, "Michael, I bought one box of girl scout cookies. I will not be buying more snacks until next week. You are in charge of how you want to eat your snacks. You can eat them quickly or make them last throughout the week." Michael counted the cookies in the box and made a remarkably sensible plan for snacking. No more power struggle.

* Do the unexpected. Using humor helps to side step power struggles. Breaking out into a foreign accent or cartoon character voice can lighten the mood. When things are getting tense, wave your hand in the air and say, "Lets erase this whole conversation and start over again." Walk out of the room and come back in, starting over on a calmer note. This can be enough to set things back on track.

* Focus on solutions. Power struggles create a win-lose attitude. No one truly wins unless you both win. Teach kids the importance of listening to and considering each person's point of view. Show them how to look for solutions that work for all. You can say to your child, "Lets see if we can come up with some ideas that take both our needs into consideration."

* Disagreements and disrespect are two different things. Do you believe your children should never say "no" to you? Instead of viewing "no" as a sign of disrespect, view it as a disagreement. We encourage our kids to say "no" to drugs and peer pressure. While teaching kids to stand up for themselves, we must realize there will be times they will stand up for themselves with us. The key is to teach kids to show respect during disagreements. When Andy said, "You can't make me eat those peas. Get them off my plate," it didn't go over well with Dad. He sidestepped the power struggle by saying, "Andy, it's easier for me to be helpful to you if you say something like, 'Dad, I would rather not eat peas with dinner.'" Every time you take a respectful approach with your children you model peaceful ways of dealing with disagreements.

Marilyn Suttle presents parenting and work/life communication keynotes and workshops for corporations and associations. To receive her FREE e-newsletter: Life in Balance: Thriving Kids/Thriving Parents, visit: www.SuttleOnline.NET, or reach her directly at 1-248-348-1023.

25 Things That Matter When Relating To Our Children (Leaving A Legacy Of Love To Those We Love)

In my opinion, these things matter...1. Enjoying childlike delights before... Read More

The Secret To Keeping Kids Interested on Family Vacations

Vacations and trips are great family events, but how do... Read More

Career Education: Does Not Mean the 6 Year College Plan

Researching career education uncovered the following shocking statistic: The average... Read More

Challenges for Our Children

Researchers have estimated that 25-35% of children in the United... Read More

Teaching Your Children About the Value of Money

We take it for granted that children know how money... Read More

Introduction to the Medications Used in the Treatment of Attention Deficit Disorder

There are several treatment options available to help improve the... Read More

Educational Jigsaw Puzzles, How Educational Are They?

Many companies advertise their products as being educational. How much... Read More

Vision: 20/20 Is Not Enough!

Now is an excellent time to have your child's vision... Read More

Gaining a Child?s Trust

My daughters and I went to the beach several weeks... Read More

First Year With Twins - A Father?s Point Of View

People always ask my wife and I: "How did you... Read More

Parents/Teens and Money ? 5 Ideas for Keeping the Peace

Children and teenagers are relentlessly bombarded with merchandise that entices.... Read More

Promoting Your Childs Heart Health

Cardiovascular endurance is one of the five health-related components of... Read More

Spend Time Not Money With The Kids This Winter

Spending quality time with your children doesn't need to cost... Read More

Eye-Opening Questions for Working Parents to Ask

I remember watching my 18-month-old son eat a big frosted... Read More

Ten Tips for a Great First Day of School!

Many children are jittery on the first day of school.... Read More

Being A Mum - It?s About Them And Not About You!

So you want to be a mum? Every time you... Read More

Road Trip! Make It Fun For Your Toddler

If you had to spend 4 or 5 hours in... Read More

Old-Fashioned Ways to Inspire Children

"Walk through any toy store and you will see walls... Read More

Parenting Your Teenager: 7 Tips for Back to School Success

Blink. That's all we did, blink, and summer is ending... Read More

More Water, Not Less, Will Help End Bedwetting

Children are notoriously bad at drinking enough liquids. They are... Read More

My Stomach Hurts - I Cant Go to School Today!

It's the third time this week that Sam has complained... Read More

Types of Schools for Troubled Teens

It can be difficult on all family members to have... Read More

Picky Eater - Fighting the Good Fight

Often, the struggle at dinnertime with your picky eater is... Read More

Send Your Child to College FREE!

College is one of the largest expenses through the course... Read More

Single Parenting: How The Challenge Of Single Parenting Affects Your Decision To Divorce

Single parenting has seemingly become an acceptable norm which is... Read More